So, It's Decided...

I'm going back to NEW YORK!!

The adventures of Wiki & Lotus continue...

(©2009 Lotus B.)

It's The End of the World

I was raised to never invest too much in the things of the world. Which explains my cynicism towards cable TV and Pop music. Everything is temporary; love, money, even the breath of life is on loan. But today, as I sat on my stalled train and my eyes drifted across the newspapers of my neighbors, I realized that things today are definitely symptomatic of a world on the brink of disruption, to say the least.

With everything going on around us, the wars, the financial upheaval, the pure ignorance; I wonder how we all have the strength to march through it sometimes. I wonder why people don't just walk around naked with sandwich boards tied to their shoulders: "The End Is Near, Take Cover" or "Save the Music, Stop Beyonce".

Or better yet, why don't we do away with it all? Take away our clothes and our bank accounts and all of the gold that brings us status. Just strap bark around our feet, leaves over our mentionables and ride horses instead of overpriced, gas guzzling metal death traps. At least then we'll have some peace of mind before the world crumbles away before our eyes. At least then we can be free of made up nonsense. I say do away with "civilization", because there's nothing civilized about any of this anyway.

I wonder if Thoreau had the right idea to remove himself from the wold. To seclude himself from all the things that held him captive before. I wish the whole world could just down size to the very basic needs; love, food, water and shelter. I wonder if that would be the beginning of something beautiful or if everything would just start all over again.

Kanye West....WTF?!

Not to take anything away from Mr. West here... I mean he IS an amazing artist. His energy is high, releasing an album every year since 2004 and producing countless singles and albums for other artists since 2001; and his music is far from ordinary. He takes hip hop to another level and much like Jay-Z, Pharrell Williams (of N.E.R.D.) and Mos Def (my personal fave) he has raised the bar for urban music to a level that few can reach. Having said THAT....

...WTF, Kanye??

After his win at the MTV EMA's (European Music Awards) this past week , West was quoted saying, "I won nothing last year and I'd brought out Stronger. Then this year, just because I was there, I won best urban act. This was Lil Wayne's year." But the gush of appreciation didn't end there...he went on to say, "Britney Spears over Rihanna? Are you serious? I mean fucking Jared Leto? He's my boy but he shouldn't have won over some of those other artists."

Well, I'll admit that Jared Leto might be far from America's favorite list of artists and I'm DEFINITELY not a fan of the whole "blood bath" scenario at 30 Seconds to Mars' concerts; but they're concepts are one of a kind, the music is sincere and their videos are something to take note of, not to mention it's EUROPEAN music awards, and their taste is usually far different that that of the US. As far as Britney over Rihanna is concerned...I can't argue, that was an entirely unfounded choice and obviously a corporate decision given her embarrassingly wobbly (and by wobbly I mean the 'fat-jiggle') performance she gave at the VMA's last year. Kanye should be thankful he got an award and graciously accept. Shut up, count your millions and stop complaining about all the love your getting that you probably deserved last year; better late than never.

BUT....it doesn't stop there, folks.

West was also quoted as saying, ‘‘I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice... It’s me settling into that position of just really accepting that it’s one thing to say you want to do it and it’s another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.’’

So how does Kanye get this honor of being dubbed "the voice of this generation"? A Michael Jordan reference? Was their a 1/8 of a lifetime achievement award he received that I've somehow missed?? He undoubtedly is a large influence in hip hop music today, but lets not forget that the world does not revolve around hip hop music. He's not an actor, a painter, an activist, a diplomat or anything much more than an, albeit amazing, producer and lyricist. Although his music touches people of all preferences, it's still soundly considered Urban Hip Hop. Being "the voice" of a generation, at least in my humble opinion requires more than just that. I mean, he's really dumbing down the potential of this generation by naming himself the King.

With all of the musical influences of the past decade, Kanye has definitely ruled the commercial music scene for the last 4 years, but his place is hardly in same halls of The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Prince, Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley or Elvis Presley (pick your era)... I think he's still got some proving to do. And if he thinks his job is done after 4 or 5 short years of being a household name, his light will end up burning out quicker than he can imagine.

Sorry Kanye, but as far as being the voice of my generation....

you gotta speak up a little louder to speak for me.

Productivity= The Burn Before the Crash

I've been pretty productive this week. Between keeping my home life in order, posting on my beloved bloggy-blog, juggling final projects in two classes, working a busy day at my day job and throwing in a new night job for good measure, all while keeping a long distance relationship going and preparing for our future... I have to say I'm not quite overwhelmed. I slip in homework where I can fit it, even if it means shoving a sandwich in my face while typing up part of my essay at work. I've been managing to get everything done and even fit in a quality-time phone call with my Grams (which is hard to do since I can't email her and there is a 3-hour time difference.)

The only thing that singes my pantie lace is the fact that every time I seem to get my life in order...JUST A LITTLE...right when I'm feeling like I can handle this whole adult thing....something catastrophic happens that not only derails me, but totally annihilates my motivation. I'm not talking your average issue, like an argument or a checking account mishap, I'm talking about something major...like a serious ailment, or getting fired, or getting cheated on. Something that kidnaps my focus and throws me back to square one in one single swipe.

I'm treading lightly.

So I'm hoping that this post, my very own little shout out to the winds of the universe, serves as an intentional JINX to that whole scenario. I'm begging the "schedule gods" and the "relationship gods" and the "health gods" and whatever else is out there to please be cool. Just let me have this long enough to prove to myself how awesome I really am. Give me till the end of the year...

...I can handle disaster a whole lot better when D is there to catch me.

A "Throw Back" If You Will

In honor of today's election, I am re-posting a post from June that I wrote about my thoughts of Obama running for Prez.

Click here to jump to the post.

Loving a Frustrating Man

In honor of my Halloween costume-I've now chosen to go as a Goodfella- I am referencing said movie for a topic that is on my mind these days. Men. I internally (and via my blog) criticize Jennifer Hudson's sister Julia for bringing all the tragic drama onto her family all for the love of a loser guy who wasn't even the father of her child. But even if your not married to a convicted drug dealer or Henry Hill (another GF reference for ya), love will always have it's little frustrations. Even my own divine relationship gets hairy, and as we grow (and I grow up) being clear and communicative is key in making it work OR in walking away unscathed.

My sweetie-meaty boyfriend, also technological genius has been sweating away tirelessly (a term I'm using VERY loosely) at his job on an on going project. He called me this morning sounding like a deflated balloon, LEAVING work as I was arriving to my own office after working a 24 hour shift. Now, of course when I say "frustrating" I'm not directing this emotion at D, but at the situation. Knowing that my honey hasn't slept well in almost a week, hasn't eaten properly and has had his eyes glued to a computer screen longer than I want to imagine makes my woman parts angry. It's frustrating to love a man who either has to or chooses to be a workaholic. Knowing that his needs and possibly your own will tend to come second to something organically less important than love or family. I used to let this get to me so bad, worse than I ever admitted to D. I'd take it as him not wanting to be a part of our relationship, as him diving into work to get away from me and him cheating me out of something that could feel more real. Eventually an ocean grew between us and two lovers became platonic house mates. Time and space can do wonders. I know some of my myrrh and patience is fueled by the lack of seeing his handsome face, but most of it is because I think differently now. I know D doesn't WANT to work 24 hours straight, but I DO know that he is a dedicated man in every aspect of his life and not just our relationship. I know that he works like he does so that he can advance later, which is something he does for BOTH of us, not selfishly. So instead of bitching or withdrawing, I wince slightly but offer him words of encouragement and support, answer his calls even if it's painfully late and honestly it feels so much better not to be frustrated.

But that's D. I've BEEN with Mr. Horrible, Mr. Frustrating and yes...even a few Henry Hills. Sometimes I think women get caught in between loving a man unconditionally and realizing that the conditions are not for us. By all means, I'm no self help guru, but I do know a thing or two about walking away. A relationship of any kind can always reach a point where it begins to interfere with your own personal choices as an individual; your own responsibilities and goals and at that point "frustration" is actually a sign that your investing time in the wrong person. For instance, J-Hud's big sis got her hint on or around the date she was arrested with her guy during a drug bust. THAT would be a good time to leave. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as indictments and court dates for you to walk away. If he hasn't proven himself trustworthy, if he makes you feel small or unimportant, if he doesn't include you in his life the way you'd like him to, if he has too much drama with his ex-wife or baby mama....or anything else that you know won't change soon and goes against what you want in a relationship. Guy or girl, new relationship or long time love; walking away is hard to do for a reason...because it's IMPORTANT.

Coupling

My friend Tia and I met after work to search for cloves, a small and rare obsession we have in common. We traipsed through the wind and rain up to 42nd street to a cigar shop just a block from the Lincoln Building. After that, despite the rain, we trekked on and detoured to Union Square stopping at a Cuban spot called Havana Central (YUM). We sat at a small table near the kitchen sipping Mango Mojitos and taking turns going on and on about our glorious men. D and I, the old pros I guess, after being in a relationship for 3 years even with a 5 month detour, not much tends to shake us anymore. Tia and her brand new baby-relationship still timid and full of newness. Just like that, something settled over the table, and I think it was more than just a mojito-and-sweet potato french fries-food coma.

We talked about love. The different kinds and the differences between them. How you can truly love someone, with all your heart and for some reason or another have to leave them behind. How real love, the kind that stays even after there's nothing new to talk about, always seems to gently simmer instead of boil. I think every woman wants to be swept of her feet. For some romantic idea to come along with flowers and say all the right things and know exactly how to treat her. The only thing is, that never seems to exist. Love is exactly what you make of it. If it's hurried it will be flustered, if it's passionate it will be dramatic, if it is dangerous it will be painful and if it's patient it will be long lasting. I've always been something of a thermometer, unable to hide how I feel at all, wearing my emotions on my sleeve, or so I'm told. The man who keeps me has to love a firecracker, and expect nothing less than to be loved deeply and daily. My heart is definitely in Houston.

Ego-Nomics

I was staring blankly at the floor this morning on the subway, noticing the things I imagine few people might stop to notice. Like the slant towards the middle of the train that runs beneath the rails. The way the ads peel on the walls, and somehow the one peeking from behind it's ripped canvas makes it better, or more comical. How very stubborn people stick out like sore thumbs, as everyone on the train sways in unison with it's jittery motion; they remain stiff, refusing to be forced to jerk around by something as measly as a commuter train. How dare this vessel conduce me to unwarranted movement. I noticed the speckled floor. Billions of tiny multicolored dots, perfectly random and misplaced. Like people.

I love that people have egos. It's the most interesting thing to me that some can be so absorbed in themselves and effected by it. Anything that causes you to be less self-aware holds the danger of being a weakness. Egos are no exception. With them come responsibility, and a issue of perspective. We are dots on a subway floor. Not higher beings, not God, not even as regal as birds. Who can see what we cannot, from an angle we'll never understand. So why do we insist on building these high horses? Who could we possibly be looking down on.

I'm a victim myself. I have an amazing ego. I'll be damned if anyone tells me that my eyes ain't pretty, or my style ain't cute, or that in some way I'm not the absolute shit. I would never SAY that (although I realize I just did). But the entire point of an ego is so we don't have to say these things. We simply think them. Recite and know them as facts. Our constructed reality. So when a woman similar to my cachet, steps into the room. With the jeans on that I can't afford, and the journalism career that I know I'll never have; I am to feel demoted. But alas, my ego will sustain me. Prop my head up high and cause me to do silly things like compliment said girl on her outfit in a way that only women can. A joke within an insult within a compliment. Awww......I was gonna buy those jeans, but they went outta style before I could afford 'em.

If we are, what they say we are, mere humans. And if this life is short and fleeting and lasts only as long as one breath from God....why are we all out to prove so much? Why do people battle each other for and with everything from love to money? Why is the competition so severe when we are all ultimately in the same race against time? I don't have the answers to any of this. But I know, because I'm always asking these questions, my ego will never get the best of me.

You Can't Hurry Up...U Got 2 Much Stuff

Releasing yourself from baggage and finding a way to move past something that once defined you is probably the challenge of a lifetime. I might not have any kids out of wedlock or bankruptcy, but there are things that I took a while to get over. Things I still run over in my mind. Daily. My broken record is like a jagged film strip. Family photos and what not, creeping though my thoughts like a lucid dream. They fade and fall into the backdrop. But they're there, and quite frankly, I'm done apologizing for that.

Not every one had a rockin childhood. Most people didn't, to be real. Plenty of us walk around every day with missing pieces that our mothers and fathers took from us long before we had the ability to hand them out. It's a scientific fact that the happenings of your first 8 years of life shape who you'll be forever, so why are we all running from it? I'd like to stand up and introduce myself.

My name is Ashley and I have issues.

Now that I've made that statement, I'd like to make another one. My scars are beauty marks. Because I made them that way. I turned my tendency to worry into motherly concern. I'm always going to want to know whats on your mind, and I'm always going to tell you what I think. Know that it comes from being pounded and infiltrated with secrets and lies, but none the less it makes me a better friend, lover, sister and child. I turned my fear of trusting into being slow to trust. I take my time, examine physical proof, place it in a baggy and file it in my evidence room. I'm learning to remember more vividly the good things rather then the bad. A lesson He taught me, and still teaches.

Settled in the pit of my stomach will always be a strong sense of North. Knowing where my balance resides, and how to find it. Sifting through bullshit comes naturally. I watch eyes; how long they stare, if they dart, in what direction they are looking. I note patterns of behavior, and when I find routine I lay on it and nest. When inconsistency pours from some one's lips, I can tell right away they are lying. Whether it be a false truth or an altered perception riddled with loop holes, I can smell it a mile away. Thank God for that. This comes from a weakness, and I made it a strength.

My baggage doesn't weigh me down. Instead of Hefty bags full of missing, forgetting, wanting and wishing, I just have a nice little accessory. A utility belt if you will. Happy with where I've been simply because I like where it pushed me to go. To everyone with baggage...don't throw it away, make it work for you and use it to your benefit. Be emotionally economic.

The Thing About Beauty

Aside from people who drive slow on the freeway, and loud-talkers the only thing that annoys me more in the world is women with low self esteem. I only question these women because they are overlooking one of the most important facts of nature; that women are mothers to this earth and therefore our beauty is imminent. Feeling less than beautiful, at least in my own eyes, makes you less of a woman.

I know how it can happen. Boy can I. You meet the wrong man, you have the wrong father, you catch a bad brake in grade school (i.e. braces, extra pounds, bad acne..) your bound to end up with a few question marks over your head. But to permanently accept what others have only temporarily convinced you of is another matter entirely. And it shows.

That girl, the one who is too lazy to think herself a queen, is usually the most annoying one in the room. She's usually the one who requires an audience at all times, otherwise she'll feel unimportant. She won't applaud you when you are triumphant, but she'll have a lot to say when your failing. Her choices in men is reflective of how she sees herself. Usually the man who captures her the most is the one who makes the most noise. The one who throws a tantrum when she goes out with her friends, all the while she's smiling because she thinks that validates his love for her. This is the girl who cakes make up on her face, buries her hair in weaves, and wears jeans three sizes to small. This is the girl who obsesses over a few pounds in either direction, but hasn't gotten off her ass to do anything about it. This is the girl who can talk all day about her self, but when she needs to discuss business; she dosen't have the confidence to face the music. This is the girl who criticizes every woman she sees, and pretends not to care about what they might say of her. This is the girl who plots her EVERY move before going out on a date. Throwing dagger-edged questions at some poor guy who just wanted to take her out for a meal. This girl annoys the begeezis out of me.

Being beautiful has nothing to do with the labels you wear or how skinny you can get. It has NOTHING to do with what you look like. This is so cliche, but the truest thing I know. Beauty is simply an inner glow. It comes from confidence to rock whatever outfit you can afford and know it looks good on you. It's the patience to let people come to you instead of chasing them down. It's pride in what God gave you, instead of covering it up, straightening it out and stuffing it in something tight. It's the ability and kindness to compliment your fellow sister instead of pick her apart. It's the open mindedness to give a standing ovation when a close friend accomplishes something. It's also the maturity to only let men and women into your life who appreciate you void of all your costumes. Because when the make up rubs off in the morning, and it's just your face in the light; everyone can see you for exactly what you are. And if your not happy with it, no one else will be.