Uh-Oh

When love consumes you, I mean really really gets to you. Seeps inside your pores and infiltrates your blood stream. When it's the space between each thought and the breath you hang on to drift to the next word in your sentence. When it's like that, it might as well be like this...

...like a deep sigh. Like, "Its just me and you kid."

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Theory of Evolution

I know that if I step back from the canvas and take in the entire scope of the story, I am only at the beginning. There is so much that is hard to see right now. I know that "this too shall pass" and before I know it I'll be painting the walls of my new apartment in Brooklyn, and taking bitter cold walks to Tia's house for wine and chit chat like before. I know I'll look back on this and think of how grateful I am that I was such a hanger-on-er. But right now, for this moment and for the few days immediately surrounding me, I am miserable. From the cockroach invasions to some of the country-ass social retards I deal with at work, to the bittersweet awfulness of living so close to Desman and so far from my family. It's times like these a girl like me needs to make a few simple lists:

Things That Make Me Miserable:

1. The girl at work who thinks I'm an idiot and doesn't realize I'm just more polite than she.
2. When D acts like we're strangers.
3. The fact that we actually ARE strangers.
4. My hair…I never should have straightened it.
5. Those disgusting cockroaches that crawl around all over the fucking place.
6. How being "different" isn't considered a commodity here (in this city).
7. The girl at work who is painfully afflicted with diarrhea of the mouth (different girl).
8. Hurricane Season.
9. Not having a car or access to a convenient transportation system anymore.
10. Weather that feels like living inside a whore's vagina.  

Things That I'm Grateful For:

1. The ability to write about any and everything that is on my mind (publically or privately).
2. An amazing best friend who keeps me sane.
3. An apartment in Brooklyn that is mine for the taking. 
4. A pretty face. 
5. A mother who (and I've checked into this) is the BEST kind of mother to have. 
6. The learned ability to give things a try before I dismiss them. 
7. My blackberry. 
8. A place to rest my head, cook my meals and read my books. 
9. Ossie's return home this Sunday. 
10. My guts…which will allow me the nerve to chop my hair off again (coming soon!). 
11. A job that pays me well enough to live, save, and occasionally enjoy myself. 
12. A detachment with the shitty worldly things that turn people into animals. 
13. My confidence in my personal belief system; there is a God and she is everywhere. 
14. Vegetarianism; we live longer and apparently taste better… 
15. The 50% off coupon I got in the mail for Adam & Eve dot com…. (Google it if you don't know). 
16. The left over Chinese take out I plan on murdering when I get home today…Lo Mein is my boyfriend. 

So I guess, as long as my list of crummy shit is shorter than my list of fab shit, I'll be ok. True, at this moment…I kind of half want to quit my job and run out into the street screaming "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"….but I also half want to close my eyes for a second and tell myself how strong I am and tell myself I've been through worse and hope that my mother is right about all this; that all the miserable crap is really just to shape us into better people.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

She Wanted Him to Love Her...

At the end of the day, even though I'm totally fine with myself and my life and the choices I've decided to make recently; I can't help but be a little sad.

Sometimes I crack jokes about it, or talk about it nonchalantly, but the fact remains, I don't think it's entirely fair that I came all this way for love, with the fire of passion and devotion on my heels and was greeted by a luke-warm version of the person who told me I should come. I'm not into mincing words tonight. It's late and my music idol died today...I'm pissed that D is just a jack ass.

Every ounce of emotion that I craved so much from him felt like squeezing juice from a rock. Trying to wiggle my way inside and understand his inner workings. After 4 years...I still have no idea.

Every time, even now, that I reach out in some profound way....I snatch back a nub. What's so wrong with loosing yourself in love? What are people so afraid of that they chose to over think something as organic as LOVE?

I know it's a tad tasteless to be this specific about the details of my personal relationship on a blog that gets read by total strangers. But it doesn't matter...because the person it's about has never found it necessary to read any of this.

I guess this is my 'Waiting to Exhale' moment...the one I should have had months ago when we broke up. Instead I'm having it now. It's taking all of my power not to get up from this chair, walk down the hall and put a pillow over D's gaping mouth and suffocate him the way he's suffocated me.

Fuck this place and everything in it.

Love Lost & Other Symptoms of Accute Nomadia...

It's been about three months since I left New York, over a year since I left California. It feels like the further I get from home, the less people I know, the more I know myself, the more I understand God.

It's fine. Of course. My mother once told me that because of my creative soul, I was destined to feel alone. Full of thoughts no one could quite understand...and while I find comfort in being so complex.....

Anyway....

So people fall off. But the good thing about that is I'm left with the most amazing "whittled'-down-ed-ness" of friends who are worth their salt and tough as nails.


To the rest, I guess I can't be mad. A friend is usually the product of mutual attention, common ground and good times. I assume anyone who doesn't see the point in staying friends with me has either been greatly offended by me at least once or is butt hurt that I left. Either way, good riddens.

So I've learned in large that good friends respect your journey, even if it takes you far away. A good man will see you as clay, not porcelain and the best things in life are far from free and closer to risky.

If the winds should take me away from this place, I only hope that I land safely and lose only those who want to be lost.