4 Gentlemen & A Lady

It's quite possible, that I am more single now than I have ever been. It feels like there is no one, not even anyone who is just genuinely my friend within a 2,000 mile radius. Ironically...my ex-boyfriend is moving to Houston next week. Oz and I have grown a bit distant but are still friends, D and I have settled into ex-friendship (a hybrid of rebounding with your ex on a platonic level), and someone I've known nearly a decade (which feels like my entire life), whom I never really dated but have always thought the world of is coming to town next week as well. In a sense...I will be a totally single woman surrounded by 4 ex's starting next week. FOUR.

Does that seem fair?

I relayed this fact to my sister over the phone the other day and for a second she wreaked of jealousy. She, who is happily married to my brother (in-law) whom everyone adores, and who adores her to no end. The two of them are in the "process" of attempting procreation and embarking on the next glorious phase of life where you start to truly become an adult for the sake of a new little life. As she envied me, I was envying her in return.

Of course, I'm more than aware that I'm in no position to have what she has. For the most obvious reason, which is that I have absolutely no permanent prospects. Not that I want any, but I can allow my mind to wander on the subject a bit....at least for the purpose of this blog post.

It's not a secret that I'm in the very least NEARING that part of my life. After all I was perfectly prepared to marry D, have his children and start a real life with him. If it weren't for the un-ignorable components of our relationship that were tragically missing, we would probably be planning a wedding right now. I was ready... just not ready to settle and make someone else settle for something that wasn't right. I refuse to commit to someone that I have to squint at in order to see them as perfect and who does the same of me. Smearing all the jagged lines, and pretending a blurry version of each other is good enough. No thank you. I'm not looking for perfection, but I would like perfection's half brother. Distant cousin, perhaps.

So from time to time, and as the "Engaged" announcements continue to fill up my Facebook page, I do feel that pang in the depths of my stomach. It reminds me that I'm at a very exciting place in my life. I'm single. Single in that REALLY single way. Where I am not obligated to anyone or anything but myself. On the other hand, I know I CAN be in a relationship. I'm capable of being with one person, if he's the right one, and making something work and possibly building up to what me and D almost had and beyond what it should have been.

In the mean time, I kind of get to just be me again. Sure, these last few months in Houston will be kind of a bore. But once I get back to New York, I'll have school to look forward to. Setting up the new website with Tia, partying and meeting new people, writing, kissing the air in Brooklyn and whatever else might come my way. I'm looking forward to FINALLY, after a long time of holding my feet in the air...planting some roots that I might want to share with someone one day.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Goodbye Love...Handles

Over this past summer, I was proud to be at my ideal weight of 135 pounds (my ideal weight is actually 125-130 but I felt close enough). It had been a while since I was even in the same neighborhood as 130 pounds. I was in a new city and I had dropped two of the most fattening things a girl could ever own...a car and a boyfriend.

Delightfully, I was happy at this new size and I maintained it for quite sometime. Until came the Winter...which promptly brought with it the holidays...which entails dinners, chocolate, cake and other tenderly baked treats.

15 pounds later (or so I imagine, since I never weight myself), I'm about half way back toward the other direction (yes, I dropped about 30 pounds or so this past year...give or take). So It's time to get back on track. Which is why I just gingerly ate a measured cup of cereal, and am now working my way through 15 ounces of grapefruit juice (known to brake down fat cells). Which is also why I skipped the coffee this morning and opted for tea instead (ugh).

In the Winter, trotting 15 blocks or so to get to the museum turns into a $10 cab ride. The funnest thing to do is order in and sleep, and all the best activities are done indoors. Over the summer, aside from not being much interested in other men, even the idea of sex was too much to process. Getting hot and bothered in 105 degree, humid heat was the furthest thing from my mind. I stayed outside from 7 in the morning till 10pm at night on average, and on weekends sometimes I stayed out until the next day. Now, I get home and I'm pretty much wiped out. It's 30 degrees outside with a chance of snow....there IS no outside as far as I'm concerned.

So instead, I will be dieting. Measuring...counting...portioning. UGH. But in 5 months (my goal), I'll be back down to a size 6, and sporting my $200 bikini (my reward for loosing it all) on a beach somewhere in Mexico with my favorite guy.

But for now....today....TODAY I'm fucking hungry.

10 Things That "Urk" Me...

1. Americans who use the phrase "cheers". This doesn't make you sound more worldly...it's just annoying.
2. Fat people who take up two seats on the subway.
3. Overpriced Manhattan food...even McDonald's is more expensive here. Ugh....
4. Kids with no home-training.
5. People who think it's ok to feed their kids ANYTHING.
6. Celebrities who complain about being popular.
7. People who just stand in silence instead of saying, "Excuse me..." (New Yorkers don't do this...)
8. Tourists who ask where a good place to eat in the city is...(wtf?? There are a zillion restaurants, who am I Zagats?)
9. Women who buy fake designer bags...Your not fooling anyone but yourself.
10. Women who don't take the time to do their hair or make-up, but spend $40 on fiberglass nail art.

When Two Awesome Bitches Collide

Sad Little Fact

I just realized that it's actually been a while since I've said "hella".

How I miss home.

Be Kind to Those Who Flip Their Shit

My savvy but blunt friend, Etienne, asked me the other day kindly what was on the side of my face. "Um...yea I broke out. I'm your basic pimple factory this week," Was my response. He grinned at me and said, "Stop stressin!". What the hell did he know about breaking out from stress? He's a grown, 30 year old man. He doesn't have to deal with jumping hormones or static emotions. He doesn't bloat at the sight of salt, or get red cheeks from worrying about things. I do!!

Anyone close to me knows that I stress out VERY easily. The stress starts at my fingertips, tingling and cold. I can feel it coming on. I ignore it for a few days. I put whatever issue is tapping my shoulder at bay, and try to remain optimistic. Then, like a bolt of lightening it hits. And before I know it, my problem has pimp-smacked across the face. Now that I have no choice by to face whatever it is, panic sets in.



Scientifically, a panic or anxiety attack comes from a person who is basically unable to control the amount of adrenaline that rushes the brain during a state of emergency. That feeling that comes and passes when you hear a loud noise behind you and causes you to jump. Or if anyone has been in a car accident; that feeling that rushed over you right when you heard that fateful "CRASH" and you knew you just fucked up. Anyway, take that emotion and imagine it lasting a good 10-30 minutes. Cold sweats, muscles tension, heart palpitations, dry mouth and the general sense that the walls around you are closing in. When mine hit I usually have a very hard time breathing as well. It's not something I look forward to, it hurts, it makes me cry and feel scared and helpless. All I can do about it is hope it passes soon, try to prevent myself from getting riled up and keep understanding people in my life.




But not everyone understands. People are quick to assume your just a drama-queen. That you just want attention. If only people knew how often I have them quietly or alone. Afraid people wouldn't understand whats happening to me. Afraid people won't care anyway. My least favorite reaction is, "Just try to calm down."

Calm down. Yes, ok. Because I CHOOSE to not be able to breathe or see or even speak and feel as though I'm about to implode. It's fun for me. Leave me alone...please let me ENJOY this panic attack.

This is why I choose not to inform people when they hit. Sometimes I do, when their really bad, and I just need some one to tell me things will be ok, or to hug me or give me a glass of water (or a paper bag...or a loaded pipe...lol).



In my experience the only people who really understand are others who have anxiety problems as well. And maybe it's better that way. But if you know someone who has told you they have an anxiety problem. Especially if they don't flip their shit over stupid things (like dishes in the sink or missing their train), please be kind. Educate yourself on what it means to have an anxiety problem, and try to put yourself in their shoes.



My cheeks are permanately red today, my skin is obscenely bumpy, I'm bloated for no reason at all, I'm starting to get a migrane, I have a cough like no one's biz, my muscles are all tight and dry and I can feel a panic attack waiting in the wings. This is not fun for me.