Monday, July 7, 2008

You Can't Hurry Up...U Got 2 Much Stuff

Releasing yourself from baggage and finding a way to move past something that once defined you is probably the challenge of a lifetime. I might not have any kids out of wedlock or bankruptcy, but there are things that I took a while to get over. Things I still run over in my mind. Daily. My broken record is like a jagged film strip. Family photos and what not, creeping though my thoughts like a lucid dream. They fade and fall into the backdrop. But they're there, and quite frankly, I'm done apologizing for that.

Not every one had a rockin childhood. Most people didn't, to be real. Plenty of us walk around every day with missing pieces that our mothers and fathers took from us long before we had the ability to hand them out. It's a scientific fact that the happenings of your first 8 years of life shape who you'll be forever, so why are we all running from it? I'd like to stand up and introduce myself.

My name is Ashley and I have issues.

Now that I've made that statement, I'd like to make another one. My scars are beauty marks. Because I made them that way. I turned my tendency to worry into motherly concern. I'm always going to want to know whats on your mind, and I'm always going to tell you what I think. Know that it comes from being pounded and infiltrated with secrets and lies, but none the less it makes me a better friend, lover, sister and child. I turned my fear of trusting into being slow to trust. I take my time, examine physical proof, place it in a baggy and file it in my evidence room. I'm learning to remember more vividly the good things rather then the bad. A lesson He taught me, and still teaches.

Settled in the pit of my stomach will always be a strong sense of North. Knowing where my balance resides, and how to find it. Sifting through bullshit comes naturally. I watch eyes; how long they stare, if they dart, in what direction they are looking. I note patterns of behavior, and when I find routine I lay on it and nest. When inconsistency pours from some one's lips, I can tell right away they are lying. Whether it be a false truth or an altered perception riddled with loop holes, I can smell it a mile away. Thank God for that. This comes from a weakness, and I made it a strength.

My baggage doesn't weigh me down. Instead of Hefty bags full of missing, forgetting, wanting and wishing, I just have a nice little accessory. A utility belt if you will. Happy with where I've been simply because I like where it pushed me to go. To everyone with baggage...don't throw it away, make it work for you and use it to your benefit. Be emotionally economic.


Samantha said...

I love it...everything about your style of writing and what you have to say. Amazing!!! Keep up the good work and I will def be back to see what you have to say!