Let the Insomnia Begin

I'm vulnerable. And 15 minutes ago I told my ex (Valentine) he could come by my mom's. He called last night and left a message, his voice trembling from the news. He knew I was in pain. And he told me things I forgot as soon as they hit my ear drum because my mind couldn't hold them, but their rhythm...their tone was translated as comfort. I appreciate it, even though it doesn't change what happened between us. I guess yesterday I kind of wished I had a man to hold me. Even if it's by the arms of a man I left behind. Belonging to no one makes this feeling suck worse. And I know the silence of Houston will drive me insane.

I'll soak up noise while I have it.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

I'm writing for 2 reasons

The first is that I promised her I would. I couldn't finish my book by 9:45 this morning when we watched my grandmother's life slip past us, so I felt a little like a failure. Then I remembered nothing is stopping me from reading what I write to her, although I'll miss out on her exegesis. We told her it was ok, and she agreed. A lady always knows when to leave.

The other reason is because I have so much in my mind that I wanted to send a trickle out for a moment so that maybe I could put my thoughts together. I understand the difference between fair and unfair. Many things about my grams life was unfair but one thing was most definitely the latter. Who could ask for anything more than to be surrounded by the ones you love when you take your final journey?

That's all I can say right now. I know it's not poetic or even very organized but it felt good.

Barbaretta Lois Hill

January 11th, 1937- January 11th, 2010

"Hey kids!"

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Excuse Me While My Brain Explodes...

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I'm in California this week and next...or last week and this? Shit, I don't know. All I know is I got a phone call on Saturday (last) that my grandmother had suffered a heart attack and two hours later D was driving me to the airport. I didn't even know what I'd packed (me- the person who literally packs for every occasion when traveling, including a run in with royalty). I flew home and immediately the roller coaster began. Lets not forget I hadn't seen the ex (Valentine) in about a month and things between us were pretty strained. THATS a whole other story. Now I'm hanging to a few minutes to blog, because it keeps me slightly sane. I'm also trying to freelance, juggle family, and find time to cry over the fact that I'm loosing my grandmother.

My brain is mush right now. I don't even think I've showered in 48 hours. This is a fact I would normally keep to myself, but right now myself is drowning in letters and numbers and notes and people and things. I've never craved my own bed more than I do right now, even though its sitting in Houston. My refuge is where? The ironic thing, I realized today as I sat outside in my mom's car crying into a venti iced soy mocha....is that the person I'd usually call to cry to....is grandma.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

And Now a Guest Blogger: Mom

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If you go down in the woods today you better go in disguise. If you go down in the woods today you're in for a big surprise...........................for every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because.........today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

And now you know.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

2010 New Year Resolution

I can't even REMEMBER what my resolution for 2009 was. I'm sure it involved a lot of things I no longer have in my life now, so I'm taking a big fat eraser and starting over with a new one. 2009 clearly sucked. I lost two boyfriends, a city and a waistline not to mention a few friends. But going forward I'm setting a few goals I hope to reach in 2010.

1. Move back to New York


2. Finish my degree and teach


3. Buy a really good camera and start doing photography


4. Finish my book (and submit it to publishers)


5. Spend an ENTIRE year (12 months) sans boyfriend


6. Take a trip out of the country (even if it's just Canada)


7. Continue my pursuit to become 100% freelance (till I'm done with school)


8. Turn BurnOut NY into New York's premier go-to website for all things fab


9. Shop my ass off and re-work my wardrobe


10. Return to my size 6 jeans (w/o muffin top)

I think even more important than the goals we set for ourselves are the lessons we learn. So here, in addition are a few lessons I learned in 2009.

1. Don't ever move to Texas. Ever.


2. The most important thing in a relationship is that you live in the same city already.


3. Punching your blackberry will not make it work better.


4. Vegetarians can get fat.


5. Ex-boyfriends should be used as sex toys, nothing more.


6. The best medicine in life is booze.


7. Settling means you convince yourself it's OK to feel horrible more often than good.


8. Judging others is sometimes necessary to keep bullshit out of your life.


9. Don't allow anyone (not even family) to make you feel worthless.


10. No matter what....you can always go home again.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Saying Goodbye to a Truly Fucked Off Year

I've been trying to avoid the inevitable reality, which is that come New Years eve I'll have absolutely no where to be. This would be the second time this has happened in my entire life, and this is somehow by far the worst of the two occurrences.

The first time, I was about 20 years old. I had just gone through the worst Christmas Eve break up of all time with the worst ex-fiance of all time. I was depressed and fat for various reasons. My attempt at suicide proved to be short lived since I ran into my mother and grandmother at the grocery store as I shopped for lethal items to off myself. So I gave up on giving up and instead was faced with the silence of New Years Eve. I laid in my bed and prayed that somehow my heart would stop and I wouldn't have to face another year. Instead, I fell asleep before the count down and upon waking decided to vigorously look for a new job (which I found). Things changed, slowly after that. But somehow here I am back in almost the same position.

Only this time I'm miles away from everyone. D has proved to be one of those estranged ex-boyfriends who looks at you as if you don't have an epic of a past together. And aside from him there is no one here. I've done so well at avoiding everyone that I couldn't even invite myself somewhere for the evening. In all honesty, I don't want to be anywhere. New Years is no fun if your out with people who annoy you. I thought about taking a cab to a downtown bar, dressing up and treating myself to all the alcohol I could afford stand, but then I don't see why I should get slushy drunk in public when I can do it, probably better, in the privacy of my own apartment.

I know this sounds pretty awful. So here is the part that makes me feel that despite this shit hole of a holiday season, I'm still better off than most people. So what if New Years, Christmas and Thanksgiving blew chunks? After February I am rid of this stinking ass city and it's brown water and beige people. I'm rid of D's cascading looks of boredom. I get to go home for a bit and be in beautiful California with the best mom in the world and the cutest grandma ever. I get to do nothing but relax and chill out with all my old friends and all my cousins. Then I get to skip my merry ass back to New York where I belong. I get to continue with all the things I have planned for myself in a place where I love to be. I get to be around my best friend and all the people who inspire me to keep reaching for what I want.

So maybe 2009 has proven to be the year from hell. OK. Well at least come Thursday I get to bury that bitch where it belongs. It's gonna be a messy burial, so it's best I do it alone. Just me and Jack Daniels saying "Fuck you 2009!" and promising myself NEVER to compromise my dreams for anyone else again.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Death of a Blackberry

I suppose that'll teach me to be so damned dependant on my blackberry...

It all began last week when Valentine attempted to call me. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at my phone which had just lit up like a birthday cake, but couldn't show an incoming call or message because of that annoying little hour glass that was infinitely flipping over and over, as if I was somehow inconveniencing it with my silly phone calls. "Hold on a min..I SAID HOLD ON A MINUTE!" it seemed to say as I bit my bottom lip, knowing poor Valentine was taking the few minutes out of his hectic work schedule he could manage to call me. Any other day I would have answered by the third ring, but now I was helplessly glaring at my blackberry as if it was a screaming baby or a post office worker.

"My time is valuable! I am a person deserving of respect and forbearance!! Heed me!! HEEEED ME!!"

But it didn't matter what I screamed at the thing, it continued displaying the hour glass as my missed call icon began to tally three missed calls and a voicemail. Finally after ten minutes my phone completed whatever task that was more important than my relationship and I started calling Valentine back. I pressed the call button to pull up my call log and JUST as I was about to press "send" to call him back I was met with part two of the hour glass horror show. "Nooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed. I held the device in my left hand in disbelief and without even blinking balled up my right fist and plowed into the face of my blackberry, faintly catching junior high school flashbacks of my first fight with Damion Black who refused to keep his hands off of my developing boobs in computer class. For the moment relief took over my cheeks and I felt better. Then I saw the damage. A giant crack was stretched across my screen. Not sure why, but I still didn't panic. I was strangely satisfied as I watched my phone turn itself off then sheepishly back on as if trying to (you'll pardon the expression) save "face".

Well, now it's days later and I've already received my replacement phone (ALWAYS get the insurance plan, it works if you work it), and switched all my data and applications to the shiny, new unscratched, un-cracked device. Yet here I sit, lightly tapping my phone's screen with my fingernail. "Um hello?..." I whisper as I try to send an email- nothing.

As I'm told by my provider that all blackberry users are having issues due to a nation wide outage, I suddenly wonder how many insurance claims I can submit before they cancel my policy....


(©2009 Lotus B.)

Brittany Murphy- Dead @ 32

Brittany Murphy via last.fm

I'm not in anyway a celeb blogger, and I'm not even a cliche love story movie watcher...but strangest thing ever. I was bored and started watching this movie, Love and Other Disasters. Sipping coffee and just kind of zoning out. It's staring Brittany Murphy, who I always thought was just as adorable as she is annoying. Then a friend on Facebook posts that Murphy died this morning.

32 years old. Dead. Not only was it sad, it was just plain weird that I was randomly watching the kind of movie I don't normally watch with her playing the lead character.

Anyway, here's the link: http://www.tmz.com/2009/12/20/brittany-murphy-dies-cardiac-arrest/

Another young star gone due to addiction. It's as much sad as it is annoying.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

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Yay Mom!!

It's my favorite time of the year again!! California time. In less than 48 hours I'll be back in Cali with my family, friends and my baby-poo Valentine. I can't wait to hug my mom and sis and kiss my Grams.

And that's really all I have to say. ♥

(©2009 Lotus B.)

There Words Are Not Magical

i love you

i have your back

i'm interested

it will work out

i'm not crying

you're my best friend

i promise

i'm sorry

i wish...

i'm fine

don't worry about it

i'm just joking

the above phrases do not hold magic powers. when you say them nothing physical happens to you or the person you say them to. time does not stop, rewind or fast forward. things do not un-happen. people do not become beautiful or less appealing. tears do not evaporate. the world does not shake. money does not appear from thin air. people do not come back from the dead. memories are not erased.

these phrases are just words. letters and nouns collectively combined to make the sounds consistent with American English. Air is press out between your lips and your throat vibrates. that little punching bag in the back of your mouth wiggles. you might spit a little. you might say these words with conviction, or bass, or determination or fear. you might feel god swimming through you as you say these phrases. you might even believe them to be, but they are not and never will be magical.

they are just words.