Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Saying Goodbye to a Truly Fucked Off Year

I've been trying to avoid the inevitable reality, which is that come New Years eve I'll have absolutely no where to be. This would be the second time this has happened in my entire life, and this is somehow by far the worst of the two occurrences.

The first time, I was about 20 years old. I had just gone through the worst Christmas Eve break up of all time with the worst ex-fiance of all time. I was depressed and fat for various reasons. My attempt at suicide proved to be short lived since I ran into my mother and grandmother at the grocery store as I shopped for lethal items to off myself. So I gave up on giving up and instead was faced with the silence of New Years Eve. I laid in my bed and prayed that somehow my heart would stop and I wouldn't have to face another year. Instead, I fell asleep before the count down and upon waking decided to vigorously look for a new job (which I found). Things changed, slowly after that. But somehow here I am back in almost the same position.

Only this time I'm miles away from everyone. D has proved to be one of those estranged ex-boyfriends who looks at you as if you don't have an epic of a past together. And aside from him there is no one here. I've done so well at avoiding everyone that I couldn't even invite myself somewhere for the evening. In all honesty, I don't want to be anywhere. New Years is no fun if your out with people who annoy you. I thought about taking a cab to a downtown bar, dressing up and treating myself to all the alcohol I could afford stand, but then I don't see why I should get slushy drunk in public when I can do it, probably better, in the privacy of my own apartment.

I know this sounds pretty awful. So here is the part that makes me feel that despite this shit hole of a holiday season, I'm still better off than most people. So what if New Years, Christmas and Thanksgiving blew chunks? After February I am rid of this stinking ass city and it's brown water and beige people. I'm rid of D's cascading looks of boredom. I get to go home for a bit and be in beautiful California with the best mom in the world and the cutest grandma ever. I get to do nothing but relax and chill out with all my old friends and all my cousins. Then I get to skip my merry ass back to New York where I belong. I get to continue with all the things I have planned for myself in a place where I love to be. I get to be around my best friend and all the people who inspire me to keep reaching for what I want.

So maybe 2009 has proven to be the year from hell. OK. Well at least come Thursday I get to bury that bitch where it belongs. It's gonna be a messy burial, so it's best I do it alone. Just me and Jack Daniels saying "Fuck you 2009!" and promising myself NEVER to compromise my dreams for anyone else again.

(©2009 Lotus B.)


Selah said...

Two cheers for Jack Daniels!

On the 31st I'm gonna pour some liquor out for this long arse year, and then drink some to celebrate the possibilities of this upcoming year. How's THAT for optimism? lol

Lotus B. said...

As always...I like the way you think! Although I hardly think I'll be pouring out any liquor...don't wanna waste it!

I hope 2010 brings awesome possibilities to everyone. Moe' ass, less trash and buckets full of wonderfulness for all. ;)

Selah said...

iDied at "Moe ass" ...hahaha... oh snap. I'm stealin that phrase. Cuz I definitely could use some more of that. (oh and the buckets of wonderfulness would be nice too of course)

My new years eve ended up wack tho. SMH. Did you hear bout the dude Travis Pastrada that did that evel knievel jump in Long Beach, CA? I went. WHOMP!!!!!