Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Yesterday while pacing nervously down the isles of Target, I told D that I have a new boyfriend. I felt like a newly converted atheist, casually saying goodbye to God. Not that D is like God. But the feeling of permanence that comes with a relationship that lasts for a while, is something that doesn't just disappear. It becomes a shadow on the wall maybe. A ghost.

As usual, he remained calm. A familiar cold set into my bones, as I pretended to browse the beverage section in the back of the store. He asked a few questions, which I answered honestly. It lead to me telling him that Valentine moving to New York with me was in the works. That he was willing to leave his job and take a chance on a different kind of life. Despite the cold winters of Brooklyn. Despite giving up his BMW to take the train. Despite every inconvenience one might see when thinking about that kind of urban life. It gave me a shameful sense of satisfaction. That's right, I thought for a brief moment, someone will.

I didn't feel haughty though, I felt rather numb as we wrapped up our conversation. It wasn't that D was unwilling to sacrifice for me. Sometimes perspectives can make all the difference. The sacrifices we made for each other never seemed to even touch the surface of sufficiency. I told him we should stay in touch as always. Finish The Office, maybe get a drink. He agreed. His tone was still stoic, his voice a little scratchy and I was sure he could hear me swallowing gulps the size of mushrooms.

I told Valentine that night that I'd had "the talk" with D. He was impressed, and asked how he took it. Fine, I said. He asked how I felt. Fine, I said.

(©2009 Lotus B.)