Friday, October 31, 2008

Loving a Frustrating Man

In honor of my Halloween costume-I've now chosen to go as a Goodfella- I am referencing said movie for a topic that is on my mind these days. Men. I internally (and via my blog) criticize Jennifer Hudson's sister Julia for bringing all the tragic drama onto her family all for the love of a loser guy who wasn't even the father of her child. But even if your not married to a convicted drug dealer or Henry Hill (another GF reference for ya), love will always have it's little frustrations. Even my own divine relationship gets hairy, and as we grow (and I grow up) being clear and communicative is key in making it work OR in walking away unscathed.

My sweetie-meaty boyfriend, also technological genius has been sweating away tirelessly (a term I'm using VERY loosely) at his job on an on going project. He called me this morning sounding like a deflated balloon, LEAVING work as I was arriving to my own office after working a 24 hour shift. Now, of course when I say "frustrating" I'm not directing this emotion at D, but at the situation. Knowing that my honey hasn't slept well in almost a week, hasn't eaten properly and has had his eyes glued to a computer screen longer than I want to imagine makes my woman parts angry. It's frustrating to love a man who either has to or chooses to be a workaholic. Knowing that his needs and possibly your own will tend to come second to something organically less important than love or family. I used to let this get to me so bad, worse than I ever admitted to D. I'd take it as him not wanting to be a part of our relationship, as him diving into work to get away from me and him cheating me out of something that could feel more real. Eventually an ocean grew between us and two lovers became platonic house mates. Time and space can do wonders. I know some of my myrrh and patience is fueled by the lack of seeing his handsome face, but most of it is because I think differently now. I know D doesn't WANT to work 24 hours straight, but I DO know that he is a dedicated man in every aspect of his life and not just our relationship. I know that he works like he does so that he can advance later, which is something he does for BOTH of us, not selfishly. So instead of bitching or withdrawing, I wince slightly but offer him words of encouragement and support, answer his calls even if it's painfully late and honestly it feels so much better not to be frustrated.

But that's D. I've BEEN with Mr. Horrible, Mr. Frustrating and yes...even a few Henry Hills. Sometimes I think women get caught in between loving a man unconditionally and realizing that the conditions are not for us. By all means, I'm no self help guru, but I do know a thing or two about walking away. A relationship of any kind can always reach a point where it begins to interfere with your own personal choices as an individual; your own responsibilities and goals and at that point "frustration" is actually a sign that your investing time in the wrong person. For instance, J-Hud's big sis got her hint on or around the date she was arrested with her guy during a drug bust. THAT would be a good time to leave. It doesn't have to be as dramatic as indictments and court dates for you to walk away. If he hasn't proven himself trustworthy, if he makes you feel small or unimportant, if he doesn't include you in his life the way you'd like him to, if he has too much drama with his ex-wife or baby mama....or anything else that you know won't change soon and goes against what you want in a relationship. Guy or girl, new relationship or long time love; walking away is hard to do for a reason...because it's IMPORTANT.