Thursday, October 2, 2008

Insomnia (again)

I was chatting with my sister on IM yesterday when she mentioned she was sleep deprived. I told her to try Unisom, then Ambien as if I were some kind of sleep-guru. In reality, I've been sleep deprived for weeks now. Its obvious in almost every aspect of my life. I haven't properly blogged in a while, haven't written a single word for my book, I've been dressing very much unlike myself (the other day I actually wore tennis shoes in public...TENNIS SHOES!!) and to top it off, I've been rushing out the door to work; sans pre-packed lunch, book and fully charged iPod and usually about 10 minutes later than I should be leaving. I stomp down the block towards the subway swearing to myself the oath of all oaths that I will go home immediately after work and crash. I ride the train, head bobbing then falling then shooting back up at each stop. Eyes puffy and bare of any definition (mostly because I've been leaving void of eye liner. For a woman with eyes of my caliber, this is a sin). I waft through my day, mystified and full to the brim with flavored coffee. Then when I come home, I seem to fall into a different routine. Mind numbing nothingness. I tinker with my online classes, for the moment feeling quite productive. Then I sort of just remain. I watch a little Hulu. I take a shower and then IM D for a while. Somehow time flies and suddenly it's 2 am, and I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. 4 hours later I fight a loosing battle with my snooze button and finally emerge and do the whole thing over again. It's not until Saturday morning that I actually get to sleep. Of course this is not what I'd like my Saturday's to be about. I'd like to rise early (meaning between 8 and 10am), go for a long jog, clean up, maybe head over to the book store and pick up some new books, go to the market and get some know...productive things. Instead I can be found under a mound of tussled blankets, probably snoring, silk scarf inevitably in disarray and falling off my head; waking up occasionally only to use the bathroom. Then it's mid-day, or late afternoon and my motivation to do anything has been sucked dry.

This pattern has got to stop. I don't know how, or what the first thing to change should be. But I'm a walking zombie. A bubble simply floating with no direction or mission other then to dwell and possibly rest before bursting into tiny drops of water. A bit dramatic, I know. But that's how I feel. It's like Ed Norton said in one of my favorite movies, Fight Club; "With insomnia, nothings real. Every thing's far away, every thing's a copy.." I feel like a little faded copy of myself these days. The real me is still stuck in the copier resting on the plate glass, waiting to be picked up. Save me.


M. said...

We're in the same place.

What I'm doing to still be up at 2am when I need to be sleep I'll never know. But I look over and it's 2:25am. Not cooking, need to hit the gym, house is a mess, etc and so on.

I wish I had some advice to give you, but all I can say is if you make it, let me know. I'm about to have to pull in some self discipline. If I can get around to it.