Friday, June 27, 2008

Much Easier When He Loves You

I was having a text conversation with an old friend
(technically an old boyfriend, but it was so long ago I forget
we dated sometimes), when he asked how things were going with D. I replied "we're workin on it" to which his response was something like, "well take it from me, try your hardest." Then he said something that literally made me stop and stare down at my cell phone with a blank look on my face.

"Does he make you better?"

I thought about it, then thought some more. I decided to put the thought away for the moment. I put my iPod ear buds in and as the sweet acoustic sounds of John Mayer flooded my mind waves, I slowly drifted to sleep. But right before that; I realized something.

The short version is "Yes he does", and the long version would involve me telling the entire story of me and D's relationship. So here's the in-between version.

D and I were the kind of couple that actually had a life together. We took day trips, visited family together, went out dancing, shopped together, went to dinner every week and genuinely enjoyed each other's company (you know- like actual friends). My favorite thing to do with him was simply take a walk. We could be anywhere; power walking for our health benefit, strolling through Bay Street to shop during Labor Day weekend, walking to Safeway to get stuff for breakfast; didn't matter the reason. I loved walking beside him because he'd hold my hand like he meant it. Because he'd talk to me and tell stupid jokes. Because together we gave off this aura that told everyone around us that we were most definitely in love. I felt this solidarity that I'd never had before.

Well, the reality of it is, when someone feels this kind of solidarity from a partner; they feel that they can do anything. When we were together, so much of me struggled to change. Like I was in a comma my whole life and suddenly I felt compelled to sit up and run around. I suddenly wanted to know who I was, what I wanted to do and be. Things I thought would just come like waiting for a batch of cookies to get crispy on top. With D, I felt the desire to take the reigns of my life and give it a solid try. I was always so afraid of failure before, that I thought trying would only expedite defeat. But with D there, supporting me, beside me the whole way; I felt like no matter what it was worth me giving it my all. Of course it was trial and error. I tried and failed a few times. Played with different ideas. But at least I tried. And even though it took loosing each other to realize how amazing what we have actually is. Even though I'm here and he's in Houston. EVEN though we don't know where our future will take us; he did and still does make me better.