Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm So Pretty

Lately I've been feeling so upbeat and wonderful, even in the face of tribulations and drama. I've managed to keep a pretty steady emotional keel. Nothing in my life is significantly different, I haven't run into lottery money or even gotten a raise in my credit limit. I don't have a new man in my life, I'm still spending most of my time a-l-o-n-e. I lost some poundage, which always makes a girl brighten up, but I've lost weight before and never noticed this much of an attitude change. Even my closest friends have said they notice me changing. "Dude, you've been in an awfully good mood lately. Is someone hittin that?" my friend said to me on the phone the other day. HA!! I wish!! Nope, it's not that. And it's not even the fact that I'm seeing D this weekend (tonight to be precise), because usually taking trips, especially ones that involve long flights just plain make me nervous and irritated.

It is, like most of the discoveries of adulthood, something VERY simple. I made the choice to change. Yep, that's it. Of course being isolated and having tons of time to myself helped with this endeavour, but it all started with my choice. It was hard at first to take a calm breath, count to ten and let things ride. And I have to admit, people that do that have always gotten on my nerves. Not expressive enough, no passion or heart! But the reality of it is, I haven't lost a single ounce of my heart. My passion is very much in tact. And after a few tough weeks of consciously putting effort into balancing my chi, it became habit. Just like that. Now I don't really have to think about it. I don't consider apologizing back-tracking. I don't feel the need to curse as much. I pause before answering. I think before speaking and sometimes choose to say nothing at all. I smile more often and respond more clearly. I've started to unintentionally call everyone "sweetie". I am, in fact, very much in love with myself these days.

Which makes me feel like no matter what happens in my love life (or lack thereof these days) that I will most definitely end up with the right person, and I'll be (and finally feel) well deserving of such a love.