ER: A Deadly Disease

I think the scientists and pharmaceutical developers of the world should put down their microscopes (or whatever) and focus on a new epidemic.

Every day MILLIONS are effected by it.

It tears apart homes, ruins lives and futures....

It's something that until a cure is found will be virtually unstoppable.

No, I'm not talking about cancer or obesity....

I'm talking about EMOTIONAL RETARDATION.

This sickness is genetically inherited and totally incurable. It lurks in the minds of mostly unsuspecting males but women are not exempt from it's callous and dangerous evolution.

ER is a disease that causes men to unknowingly annoy the people who love them to the point of needing to be confined and often times quarantined from their loved ones.

Until now the only available treatment for ER has been physical abuse or intoxication.

I rally that we search for a better future for our men (and women).

Lets put a stop to Emotional Retardation.

**Paid for by the Initiative to Create a Better Man

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Nothing, Nevermind.

I know I can be pretty vague when it comes to blog posts...usually it's because I'm trying to spare some one's (or several people's) feelings... But the question as of late seems to be "Are you going to NYC?"

New York was never a question. Ever since my room mate from hell conjured up the idea of leaving my California life behind and starting anew in the big city...New York has become a part of my salvation. Almost like a safety blanket. When I left CA, I was also running away from D...the man I could never understand...and who could never really understand me. Then New York became the thing that took me from my family and this man I gave up on too fast. I returned to him...but somewhere along the way realized that I had left out of fear. Fear of loosing him, fear of taking on more than I could handle...fear of being broke. I looked around Houston and it hit me like a ton of bricks... "Hell no.." it said, "wrong city, bitch."

So I made my plans of escape. Back to New York...back to my BFF...back to Brooklyn and crazy weather and incredible nights out and snow boots and subways. I had absolutely nothing distracting me as I piled my things onto a truck and moved into my temporary apartment in Houston. All I had to do was wait it out.

Nothing is ever that simple. Between falling back in love with my ex (Valentine- who lives in California), recently loosing my Grams and missing the crap out of my family...suddenly I wondered if New York was the right choice after all. Career-wise it was the smartest move I could pull. But what about my heart? Asking Valentine to come with me seemed like the best thing to do. But what if he doesn't go? As he teeters on the edge of yes or no...I'm stuck in limbo. Do I put New York on hold and soak up family and love...possibly (and finally) having my own little world with someone who really understands me? Or do I stay the nomadic girl I've always seemed to be...shrugging off my feelings and keeping my tires pointed East?

It's because of this dilemma that I say "Meh" when people ask me when or where I'm moving. It's because of this that once again I feel like an old CD that keeps skipping right before the outro. I'm torn between love of self and love of others. Between needing this man in my life and needing to stick to my plan... Either way I'm leaving Houston in 28 days.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Sleeping and I Can't Get Up

I feel so out of touch. So a-mess...so broken and tired and out of it. It goes way before Grams...I've felt like this a little more each day for a while. I feel like I need to overhaul my life. Make a dramatic change.

I feel like going through everything I own and throwing out anything that doesn't make me immediately smile.

I feel like emptying my address book of any contacts I haven't heard from in more than 6 months.

I want to stop eating cheese (but I probably won't)

I want to loose a bunch of weight...like to the point where people start wondering if I'm ok.

I want to revamp my iPod and find new music.

I want to start packing, even though I'm not sure yet where I'm going.

I just want to move or dance or something.

Ughhh..I just want to jump off a cliff or ride a roller coaster or a bull or something dangerous.

I want to get the hell away from all these fat fucks in Houston and go back to my own habitat...I want to scream and bitch slap the entire world, and tell it to wake up. And tell it to wake me up.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

The Hair-Pullers Retreat

Mad respect to my man's ex....I was surprised (and relieved) to witness her kind gesture via email yesterday. She had plenty of reason to be hostile, but eventually the claws got put away. I have to shout it out because as always, I give props where props are due. She probably won't read this, but to all those ladies out there who grudge their man's ex or their ex's lady.... put it down and let it go.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Let the Insomnia Begin

I'm vulnerable. And 15 minutes ago I told my ex (Valentine) he could come by my mom's. He called last night and left a message, his voice trembling from the news. He knew I was in pain. And he told me things I forgot as soon as they hit my ear drum because my mind couldn't hold them, but their rhythm...their tone was translated as comfort. I appreciate it, even though it doesn't change what happened between us. I guess yesterday I kind of wished I had a man to hold me. Even if it's by the arms of a man I left behind. Belonging to no one makes this feeling suck worse. And I know the silence of Houston will drive me insane.

I'll soak up noise while I have it.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

I'm writing for 2 reasons

The first is that I promised her I would. I couldn't finish my book by 9:45 this morning when we watched my grandmother's life slip past us, so I felt a little like a failure. Then I remembered nothing is stopping me from reading what I write to her, although I'll miss out on her exegesis. We told her it was ok, and she agreed. A lady always knows when to leave.

The other reason is because I have so much in my mind that I wanted to send a trickle out for a moment so that maybe I could put my thoughts together. I understand the difference between fair and unfair. Many things about my grams life was unfair but one thing was most definitely the latter. Who could ask for anything more than to be surrounded by the ones you love when you take your final journey?

That's all I can say right now. I know it's not poetic or even very organized but it felt good.

Barbaretta Lois Hill

January 11th, 1937- January 11th, 2010

"Hey kids!"

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Excuse Me While My Brain Explodes...

Image via Wikipedia

I'm in California this week and next...or last week and this? Shit, I don't know. All I know is I got a phone call on Saturday (last) that my grandmother had suffered a heart attack and two hours later D was driving me to the airport. I didn't even know what I'd packed (me- the person who literally packs for every occasion when traveling, including a run in with royalty). I flew home and immediately the roller coaster began. Lets not forget I hadn't seen the ex (Valentine) in about a month and things between us were pretty strained. THATS a whole other story. Now I'm hanging to a few minutes to blog, because it keeps me slightly sane. I'm also trying to freelance, juggle family, and find time to cry over the fact that I'm loosing my grandmother.

My brain is mush right now. I don't even think I've showered in 48 hours. This is a fact I would normally keep to myself, but right now myself is drowning in letters and numbers and notes and people and things. I've never craved my own bed more than I do right now, even though its sitting in Houston. My refuge is where? The ironic thing, I realized today as I sat outside in my mom's car crying into a venti iced soy mocha....is that the person I'd usually call to cry to....is grandma.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

And Now a Guest Blogger: Mom

Image via Wikipedia

If you go down in the woods today you better go in disguise. If you go down in the woods today you're in for a big surprise...........................for every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because.........today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

And now you know.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

2010 New Year Resolution

I can't even REMEMBER what my resolution for 2009 was. I'm sure it involved a lot of things I no longer have in my life now, so I'm taking a big fat eraser and starting over with a new one. 2009 clearly sucked. I lost two boyfriends, a city and a waistline not to mention a few friends. But going forward I'm setting a few goals I hope to reach in 2010.

1. Move back to New York


2. Finish my degree and teach


3. Buy a really good camera and start doing photography


4. Finish my book (and submit it to publishers)


5. Spend an ENTIRE year (12 months) sans boyfriend


6. Take a trip out of the country (even if it's just Canada)


7. Continue my pursuit to become 100% freelance (till I'm done with school)


8. Turn BurnOut NY into New York's premier go-to website for all things fab


9. Shop my ass off and re-work my wardrobe


10. Return to my size 6 jeans (w/o muffin top)

I think even more important than the goals we set for ourselves are the lessons we learn. So here, in addition are a few lessons I learned in 2009.

1. Don't ever move to Texas. Ever.


2. The most important thing in a relationship is that you live in the same city already.


3. Punching your blackberry will not make it work better.


4. Vegetarians can get fat.


5. Ex-boyfriends should be used as sex toys, nothing more.


6. The best medicine in life is booze.


7. Settling means you convince yourself it's OK to feel horrible more often than good.


8. Judging others is sometimes necessary to keep bullshit out of your life.


9. Don't allow anyone (not even family) to make you feel worthless.


10. No matter what....you can always go home again.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Saying Goodbye to a Truly Fucked Off Year

I've been trying to avoid the inevitable reality, which is that come New Years eve I'll have absolutely no where to be. This would be the second time this has happened in my entire life, and this is somehow by far the worst of the two occurrences.

The first time, I was about 20 years old. I had just gone through the worst Christmas Eve break up of all time with the worst ex-fiance of all time. I was depressed and fat for various reasons. My attempt at suicide proved to be short lived since I ran into my mother and grandmother at the grocery store as I shopped for lethal items to off myself. So I gave up on giving up and instead was faced with the silence of New Years Eve. I laid in my bed and prayed that somehow my heart would stop and I wouldn't have to face another year. Instead, I fell asleep before the count down and upon waking decided to vigorously look for a new job (which I found). Things changed, slowly after that. But somehow here I am back in almost the same position.

Only this time I'm miles away from everyone. D has proved to be one of those estranged ex-boyfriends who looks at you as if you don't have an epic of a past together. And aside from him there is no one here. I've done so well at avoiding everyone that I couldn't even invite myself somewhere for the evening. In all honesty, I don't want to be anywhere. New Years is no fun if your out with people who annoy you. I thought about taking a cab to a downtown bar, dressing up and treating myself to all the alcohol I could afford stand, but then I don't see why I should get slushy drunk in public when I can do it, probably better, in the privacy of my own apartment.

I know this sounds pretty awful. So here is the part that makes me feel that despite this shit hole of a holiday season, I'm still better off than most people. So what if New Years, Christmas and Thanksgiving blew chunks? After February I am rid of this stinking ass city and it's brown water and beige people. I'm rid of D's cascading looks of boredom. I get to go home for a bit and be in beautiful California with the best mom in the world and the cutest grandma ever. I get to do nothing but relax and chill out with all my old friends and all my cousins. Then I get to skip my merry ass back to New York where I belong. I get to continue with all the things I have planned for myself in a place where I love to be. I get to be around my best friend and all the people who inspire me to keep reaching for what I want.

So maybe 2009 has proven to be the year from hell. OK. Well at least come Thursday I get to bury that bitch where it belongs. It's gonna be a messy burial, so it's best I do it alone. Just me and Jack Daniels saying "Fuck you 2009!" and promising myself NEVER to compromise my dreams for anyone else again.

(©2009 Lotus B.)