Friday, June 26, 2009

She Wanted Him to Love Her...

At the end of the day, even though I'm totally fine with myself and my life and the choices I've decided to make recently; I can't help but be a little sad.

Sometimes I crack jokes about it, or talk about it nonchalantly, but the fact remains, I don't think it's entirely fair that I came all this way for love, with the fire of passion and devotion on my heels and was greeted by a luke-warm version of the person who told me I should come. I'm not into mincing words tonight. It's late and my music idol died today...I'm pissed that D is just a jack ass.

Every ounce of emotion that I craved so much from him felt like squeezing juice from a rock. Trying to wiggle my way inside and understand his inner workings. After 4 years...I still have no idea.

Every time, even now, that I reach out in some profound way....I snatch back a nub. What's so wrong with loosing yourself in love? What are people so afraid of that they chose to over think something as organic as LOVE?

I know it's a tad tasteless to be this specific about the details of my personal relationship on a blog that gets read by total strangers. But it doesn't matter...because the person it's about has never found it necessary to read any of this.

I guess this is my 'Waiting to Exhale' moment...the one I should have had months ago when we broke up. Instead I'm having it now. It's taking all of my power not to get up from this chair, walk down the hall and put a pillow over D's gaping mouth and suffocate him the way he's suffocated me.

Fuck this place and everything in it.



I feel the title totally. I wish I could tell you you I understand and I feel your pain, but I don't and I'm sad about it.

I can't explain in words why, maybe it's my own personal short comings of always having a wall up.

Atleast you loved and someone loved you. That's more than what some people experience over a lifetime


Are you going to move back to NY?

Lotus said...

Thanks, sweetie. I know it's important not to walk away from any relationship feeling jaded, and I won't. The ability to love comes to us at different times in different forms.

Lotus said...

Yep. Moving back to my city! I'll be shoving off at the end of the month...

M. said...

As a frequent reader, it's kinda sad to see what made you so happy now make you so sad. I've been in that situation, and sometimes....there is that chapter after the line "happily ever after" that nobody wants to talk about.

Time heals all, so just give time a little time.

So back to NY...and see what else spills out