Overdrawn...

When I first went out on my own, I really had no clue how to take care of my own expenses. I was not yet 18 the first time I got my own apartment with a room mate and then 19 when I got my own apartment by myself. It was overwhelming. I had bills to pay, a full time job and a car to take care of. It felt wonderful to have no one to answer to, but in return I had a ton of stress at a very early age. I remember the first time I went to check my bank account and saw a very mean, red negative number staring at me. I think my heart stopped....

I hadn't been paying attention to what I was taking away from my account versus what I had to spend. I called my Mom...who rescued me, but it's still something that stands out in my mind 6 years later. I got used to using my check register and checking my account balance frequently. I got used to pulling out cash versus using my ATM card constantly. But even though I've rarely overdrawn my account since, I'm still VERY good at giving out what I don't have to give.

Figuratively speaking, of course...

I've done it a few times before...let the rush of something new kind of make me forget where I am. Forget that I'm not as sensible as I'd like to believe and that I have a wonderfully inconvenient habit of completely ignoring signs I don't want to pay attention to. Like the light on my gas tank level gage. The blinking battery on my cell phone. The tight pull of frustration I felt while trying desperately to make my relationship with D work. Then I look up and I realize that I've completely overdrawn myself. Extended my abilities beyond what I should have...

I try to find a balance between being like the jaded, emotionally withdrawn ass holes that I try to avoid in my own life and being that mindless fool that runs out into traffic getting hit and then wondering why. If you invest too much into some idiotic idea, you tend to end up the idiot...and you tend to end up alone. I'm actually considering becoming that closed person who keeps people at bay. Steers clear of any kind of commitment, measures people only by their driest potential...their ability to provide a mutually satisfying outcome...rather than by their ability to make my heart jump for joy.

This barely makes any sense to me, so I'm assuming it won't to anyone else either. Especially since I'm not being specific about what exactly I'm talking about....

Let's just say I've gotten to a point where I can't afford overdraft fees.