I've found that one of the most tiring efforts one can possibly ferret after is the approval of others. Aside from the fact that it's painfully pathetic, it's also virtually impossible to have EVERY ONE'S approval. Every one in their own individual complex lives, with their own stupid idiosyncrasies and imperfections has an ideal about life that is as diverse as a thumbprint. One person's mathematical equation is another's aesthete rhythmic prose.
So more and more, when people begin to paint their approval or disapproval onto my skin I immediately shutter. Like last night when a new acquaintance of mine asked if I wanted to get out with him and have a drink. "Nope" I said, "I have to work tonight and be up early tomorrow." Work, at that moment meant write. I was chasing after a 12000 word project for a publisher in Oregon and working on the details of a site Tia and I hope to have up in the next few months. Being "up early tomorrow" was so I could be at work-work on time. The work-work that pays my bills and will ultimately fund my escape form cowboy central and back to regular society where I belong. My new acquaintance scoffed at my tight-lipped response, "When do you ever enjoy life? I'm flying to NYC this weekend to see if the Yankees win..."
Blank stare.
Side eye.
His assumptions were suddenly suffocating me. The gull of someone who hardly knows me at all to first assume that I don't "enjoy" my life, and secondly assume that what I was doing at the moment wasn't bringing me any pleasure. Not that I orgasm with every sentence, but writing is like breathing for me, like therapy. 12000 words is definitely intimidating, but at that moment I wouldn't had preferred to be anywhere else but in front of my laptop letting my head pour into a Word doc. I wanted to tell him all of this, but realized there was no point. His idea of enjoying his life was simply and at this time in my life, different than my own. He wanted to go out on a Thursday night and get drunk. Doing that would have been pointless for me on at least three separate levels. As for his NYC comment.... part from not being a Yankee's fan (go A's!!) I'd much rather LIVE in New York than visit. But that's my ideal, not his.
I simply replied, that I do in fact enjoy my life and that I hope he has fun in NY. I went back to what I was doing and laughed to myself. True, it's slightly out of my MO to turn down drinks on any night of the week (flashback of nursing a horrible hang over on the subway to work after 30 minutes of sleep). But I'm too far gone, folks. I have a mission and it's in sight now. I don't want to waste a moment on anything that doesn't have to do with writing, or getting the fuck out of Houston.
(©2009 Lotus B.)
So more and more, when people begin to paint their approval or disapproval onto my skin I immediately shutter. Like last night when a new acquaintance of mine asked if I wanted to get out with him and have a drink. "Nope" I said, "I have to work tonight and be up early tomorrow." Work, at that moment meant write. I was chasing after a 12000 word project for a publisher in Oregon and working on the details of a site Tia and I hope to have up in the next few months. Being "up early tomorrow" was so I could be at work-work on time. The work-work that pays my bills and will ultimately fund my escape form cowboy central and back to regular society where I belong. My new acquaintance scoffed at my tight-lipped response, "When do you ever enjoy life? I'm flying to NYC this weekend to see if the Yankees win..."
Blank stare.
Side eye.
His assumptions were suddenly suffocating me. The gull of someone who hardly knows me at all to first assume that I don't "enjoy" my life, and secondly assume that what I was doing at the moment wasn't bringing me any pleasure. Not that I orgasm with every sentence, but writing is like breathing for me, like therapy. 12000 words is definitely intimidating, but at that moment I wouldn't had preferred to be anywhere else but in front of my laptop letting my head pour into a Word doc. I wanted to tell him all of this, but realized there was no point. His idea of enjoying his life was simply and at this time in my life, different than my own. He wanted to go out on a Thursday night and get drunk. Doing that would have been pointless for me on at least three separate levels. As for his NYC comment.... part from not being a Yankee's fan (go A's!!) I'd much rather LIVE in New York than visit. But that's my ideal, not his.
I simply replied, that I do in fact enjoy my life and that I hope he has fun in NY. I went back to what I was doing and laughed to myself. True, it's slightly out of my MO to turn down drinks on any night of the week (flashback of nursing a horrible hang over on the subway to work after 30 minutes of sleep). But I'm too far gone, folks. I have a mission and it's in sight now. I don't want to waste a moment on anything that doesn't have to do with writing, or getting the fuck out of Houston.
(©2009 Lotus B.)
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