I've Been Cheating on My Boyfriend

http://blambloozers.tumblr.com/

Confessions are hard. I needed an uncensored arena.

*Boyfriend, meaning: this blog

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Electronic Tattoo

HAWWWWT:

It's Like...

...twisting my bubble gum around a cold finger. Creating a sticky apple-pineapple flavored rope...around and around. Hoping it won't snap. Hoping it will.

Hoping it does something. Anything.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon

I was talking to Valentine the other night about love addiction. He said Dr. Phil was on Oprah explaining how some people are making up for a void in their hearts by constantly seeking or needing a mate. They always crave approval and attention, they always need to know that someone loves them and is committed to them.

He questioned his motives for a split second. I could feel him analyze himself. "Naw, baby." I said, "That's not you or me."

I want to find this person who invented the concept of "love addiction" and smack the daylights out of them. How could they sully love's pond like that? How could they over define the undefinable image of love, and pigeon hole it into some healthy quotation? Humans are messy and unkind, and afraid and undone. We're not supposed to fit our emotions and impulses into a clearly labeled box from The Container Store.

So what if I've had a lot of boyfriends? I like men. I'm a pretty girl, and I consider myself to be fairly interesting to-boot. So I tend to have a lot of options because of that. I sample those options and occasionally sit down to a meal hoping it might fill me (forever). Valentine is the same way (only the male version).

"So what", I told him over the phone yesterday, "we love hard. "

One day we'll all look up from our perfectly balanced meals and see a woman running through a flowery field on the TV screen. Her arms stretched out, and face to the sky as a long flowing dress catches in the wind like angel wings. The announcer explains in a buttery monotone voice that you too can be free of your clinical love addiction with one simple oral dose of Ileeva per day. No more pesky emotional attachments, no more loneliness. Just pure and simple well-adjusted, well-balanced, relationships that always make sense. And if they don't one day. If your confused or scared or desperate or hurt or disillusioned...just pop a pill and that deep seeded need for love with softly disappear.

Side effects may include: nausea, heartburn, empty-headedness, social failure, claustrophobia, sexual frustration, loss of perspective, dry mouth, and trouble conceiving.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

My Exegesis

Due in part to spending the past few days with a truly genuine man and comparing that to someone who I have slowly come to see as highly deceitful; I've decided to use my creative license and ever so liberally anonymously bash an ex-friend of mine.

Why do men cheat? Why betray someone who loves and adores in exchange fore a few forgettable moments of pleasure? Some might mystify the dirty facts and blow fairy dust on the truth to make it seem more noble than it is. But the fact of the matter is that men (or anyone) will cheat because they are ass holes. Because they're childish. Because they're scared and insecure. Because they have no idea who or what they are and need approval from people they know they haven't damaged (yet). Because they think they are the grand exception to the rule, and somehow don't have to answer to the petty guidelines that others try to abide by.

I had the "pleasure" of feeling the respect I once had for someone slowly drain out of my body and die because he can't seem to keep his dick in his pants. I had one of those epiphanies where I saw his truth in a flash of light as if I were giving a long speech in front of a crowd of people; suddenly chuckling to myself as I so vividly pictured them all naked. I hate it when people become laughable.

Well, friend, you are just that. Laughable. I genuinely hope you wake up and realize that an apology IS needed. You SHOULD be ashamed. You SHOULD get on your knees and thank the stars that someone who hasn't realized how much better than you they are has allowed you a second chance. You wreak of self-importance. Stop being so fucking pompous. It's unattractive and you can't carry it off.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

An Open Letter

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls”.

-Kahlil Gibran

(©2009 Lotus B.)

In The News...

Not only is Alexis Hutchinson from my home town of Oakland, California; but her story about refusing deployment is part of a very long list of reasons I never will and never have believed in war. The 21 year old single mother of an infant son refused to show up for her flight to Afghanistan because she had no one to take care of her child. She was told at first by her superior that she would have to place him into foster care.

What else could she do?

Before we're anything in this world we're human, and after that, if applicable, we're parents. I don't know how married parents are able to leave their children behind to go over seas, let alone a single mother.

I just thought it was an interesting display of how the military can work sometimes.

Click here to read

*Photo: Associated Press
(©2009 Lotus B.)

So Long, Farewell

It was a nice (and kind of adorable) little run we had.

But now it's over.

I've calculated in my mind that I've broken up with 27 men in the last 13 years of my dating life. Sometimes they're the ones who pull the plug, sometimes I am. I think either way it's usually me doing it somehow.

Most recently, it was someone I actually had a lot of fun with. Someone I thought I had enough in common with to actually be intrigued on a pretty constant basis. He made the break up with D seem less like a terrorist attack on my heart and more like life just slowly changing. He wasn't a rebound, just a good guy.

But that's all behind us now, and we decided to end it last night. Which is fine. It was going to end anyway come January. I already started to get used to that one. In a way it was silly of us to indulge in the whole thing as long as we did. But this sort of thing has a way of just making sense until it doesn't anymore.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Friday...

It honestly feels like yesterday was Monday. Here I am with my feet teetering at the edge of another weekend.

My stomach is tied in knots. Because once again, in life, I have chosen to take a chance on someone. I feel like I'm sitting through a shaky plane ride or clinging to the corner of a stalled elevator. I am helplessly dependant on the other shoe, which is sure to drop at any moment.

Speak of the devil.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

And I Quote...

If you've been paddling your little kayak along behind my ship's flowing rhymes through the waters of my travels so far, you might want to turn back here before you lose sight of the shore. Beware the deep. It may be that if you lost me now, you might lose yourself.

-Dante's Paradiso