Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Deafening Sound of Muted Silence...

Nothing scares the shit out of me more than serenity. In fact, those who wonder why my best friend and I share such an unshakable bond don't realize that this was the very first item we bonded over. The deconstructors, we called ourselves. We are the stompers of sandcastles, the nail polish pickers. Up until my 22th birthday, my go-to excuse was age. I was young. I was inexperienced. I was searching. Of course I realize I'm still young. But I've definitely passed the point where decisions made no longer have the power to curtly nullify your progress in life. I've made decisions over the past 3 years that caused permanent scars. I've made them in slow motion. I've processed thinkable thoughts while purposely not thinking about it. While closing my eyes to the light and choosing to float above myself. I am the preferer of out-of-body experiences.

So, you can imagine my surprise as of late, while I begin to realize that all of my decisions, or at least 90% of them are made to ensure permanence. Stability, even. My mother and I chatted the other day, and as usual she spoke the words that had barely yet caused my mouth to part. "I don't know," I said, "I just feel like for the last few years, I've doing things for the wrong so much change...because...I mean...I..." Calmly she interrupts, "You feel like all you do is react." She said. ((Exactly))

No matter what, the places I end up will always be a product of how I feel. I found much needed silence in New York (ironically) and then silence became too loud here with D. So again I'm changing and again I welcome it. Saturday, after all the boxes are moved and I'm in my own place again, I'll breathe. After room mates and D and being who he needed and who I thought I should have been...looking into an empty room will feel like bathing. I haven't lived on my own since I was 21 years old. Even longer if you count the ghosts.

**Note to Reader: I am aware that I have "manufactured" a few words and phrases within this post, and I appreciate your assumed acceptance of said terms in advance.


mr. nichols said...

This feels like an echo of exactly what I'm going through right now. I loved the language (fabricated or not), especially the line "looking into an empty room will feel like bathing." Peace.

aspotofblog said...

Love your writing.

Breaking up is so hard to do.

I'm in a relationship, but I'm so confused. I love him, but I don't think we're right for each other. I know deep-down that I have to break up with him but the thought of hurting him scares me.

I suppose I'm just a coward.