Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Stick of Incense Called 'Black Woman'

Sad, how easy it is for us to ignore her. To search for distractions and almost always find one. The moments are rare that we actually sit down beside her, ask her how she feels about things; find out what she wants. If we spend too much time with her we feel cheated, isolated, maybe even a little worthless. The truth of the matter is so very few of us really know her all. She is what we see when we look in the mirror.

I know that was tad dramatic, but I was thinking about this concept yesterday when I got home from work. I was feeling under the weather so I turned my cell phone down, knocked back some NyQuil, sipped on a blunt (then put it out for another time) and laid on my bed to let the warm sunlight woo me to sleep. Before it did, I let the thoughts run through my mind. Maybe it was the cold medicine, maybe the sweet herb or maybe just the smoky stream of incense drifting above my radiator creating a sheer cloud in front of my window. Either way, for that moment all I could think of was myself. I didn't feel selfish or bored or like I should busy myself with something more useful. I just thought of how I felt, what I wanted and which things in this life mattered the most to me. I didn't think about boys, or my family or any one of my friends, although of course they hold their place respectively. I wasn't trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow, because if it were up to me I'd wear my favorite skinny jeans and my "The Best Girls Are Black" vintage tee shirt. I didn't try and plot my next move or sift through what I did that day to figure out how I could have been more productive. I just laid there and focused on the there and now. The covers piled on top of me, the music streaming out of my stereo quietly, my clean skin rested against the sheets. Anyway, it was calming.

Because you can get caught up in the bull shit. Oh man can you get caught up in the bull shit. Like trying to figure out why suddenly He stopped calling. He should be getting off by now, it's close to 7 pm. He used to call right when he got off. So then you check your phone to verify exactly when the last time He called was. Not the last time you spoke because you called him last, but the last time He really picked up the phone to buzz you. Maybe it's because the last time He saw you, you had on that fugly outfit with the grandma-collar. Damn, you need to go shopping. Then you hope that you get that job you just interviewed for. The one that pays way more than you probably deserve. You think about how much extra you'll have and naturally pick up your cell phone to calculate what amount you can in fact put towards a new wardrobe if you should so happen to get this new job. Then you wouldn't even be thinking about Him, you'd be out on a date with His replacement. Suddenly you realize looking down at your cell phone that you also are in bad need of a manicure. And just as you curse the day He calls. You've just waisted 15 minutes thinking about something you can't control until the next distraction comes along. You could have focused on yourself.

So anyway, that's what I did yesterday. I focused on myself. I figure that's what I came here to do so I might as well get a nice little jump on things. It felt pretty good.