Tuesday, April 29, 2008

16 Days to Smiles, 18 to 24 and 20 to Security Check Point Sadness

YICK-A-DEEEE!! I've actually picked out all the outfits I plan on wearing to go see D in Houston! I'm excited beyond comprehension. As much as I hate to be that person who's dumb enough to get her hopes up; right now high hopes feel really good. If this were a movie, there would be fast paced music playing and a montage of the next few weeks would stream across the screen. I'd be working hard, and doing crunches (because I promised myself I would), and generally busying myself with daily activities. Instead of course, the only soundtrack I have (at the moment) is my cubicle neighbor talking to her husband on the phone. The only scene I have to view is the light beaming in from 34Th street. I'm feeling the warmth that the sun seems to lay over me, even though I know I can't possibly feel the sun from inside this office. It's not even my 24Th birthday that I look forward to. Another day marked with dinner and perhaps a gift. It's the fact that after a small stretch of time, after 'we' became 'he' and 'I'; I get to look in his eyes again and see whats there. And the reality of it is that I get to see how I feel standing next to him. Will I feel frustrated, and overcompensated by him? Will I feel at ease and sure of myself? Will I feel confirmation that we made the right choice to separate? Will he? Will we stand at the security check point again on the verge of tears and scratch the scab off of something that almost healed? Not knowing is kicking my ass right now.

I'm looking at the calendar as if 16 days isn't that far away. It's a lifetime away, somehow.