I've Been Cheating on My Boyfriend

http://blambloozers.tumblr.com/

Confessions are hard. I needed an uncensored arena.

*Boyfriend, meaning: this blog

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Electronic Tattoo

HAWWWWT:

It's Like...

...twisting my bubble gum around a cold finger. Creating a sticky apple-pineapple flavored rope...around and around. Hoping it won't snap. Hoping it will.

Hoping it does something. Anything.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon

I was talking to Valentine the other night about love addiction. He said Dr. Phil was on Oprah explaining how some people are making up for a void in their hearts by constantly seeking or needing a mate. They always crave approval and attention, they always need to know that someone loves them and is committed to them.

He questioned his motives for a split second. I could feel him analyze himself. "Naw, baby." I said, "That's not you or me."

I want to find this person who invented the concept of "love addiction" and smack the daylights out of them. How could they sully love's pond like that? How could they over define the undefinable image of love, and pigeon hole it into some healthy quotation? Humans are messy and unkind, and afraid and undone. We're not supposed to fit our emotions and impulses into a clearly labeled box from The Container Store.

So what if I've had a lot of boyfriends? I like men. I'm a pretty girl, and I consider myself to be fairly interesting to-boot. So I tend to have a lot of options because of that. I sample those options and occasionally sit down to a meal hoping it might fill me (forever). Valentine is the same way (only the male version).

"So what", I told him over the phone yesterday, "we love hard. "

One day we'll all look up from our perfectly balanced meals and see a woman running through a flowery field on the TV screen. Her arms stretched out, and face to the sky as a long flowing dress catches in the wind like angel wings. The announcer explains in a buttery monotone voice that you too can be free of your clinical love addiction with one simple oral dose of Ileeva per day. No more pesky emotional attachments, no more loneliness. Just pure and simple well-adjusted, well-balanced, relationships that always make sense. And if they don't one day. If your confused or scared or desperate or hurt or disillusioned...just pop a pill and that deep seeded need for love with softly disappear.

Side effects may include: nausea, heartburn, empty-headedness, social failure, claustrophobia, sexual frustration, loss of perspective, dry mouth, and trouble conceiving.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

My Exegesis

Due in part to spending the past few days with a truly genuine man and comparing that to someone who I have slowly come to see as highly deceitful; I've decided to use my creative license and ever so liberally anonymously bash an ex-friend of mine.

Why do men cheat? Why betray someone who loves and adores in exchange fore a few forgettable moments of pleasure? Some might mystify the dirty facts and blow fairy dust on the truth to make it seem more noble than it is. But the fact of the matter is that men (or anyone) will cheat because they are ass holes. Because they're childish. Because they're scared and insecure. Because they have no idea who or what they are and need approval from people they know they haven't damaged (yet). Because they think they are the grand exception to the rule, and somehow don't have to answer to the petty guidelines that others try to abide by.

I had the "pleasure" of feeling the respect I once had for someone slowly drain out of my body and die because he can't seem to keep his dick in his pants. I had one of those epiphanies where I saw his truth in a flash of light as if I were giving a long speech in front of a crowd of people; suddenly chuckling to myself as I so vividly pictured them all naked. I hate it when people become laughable.

Well, friend, you are just that. Laughable. I genuinely hope you wake up and realize that an apology IS needed. You SHOULD be ashamed. You SHOULD get on your knees and thank the stars that someone who hasn't realized how much better than you they are has allowed you a second chance. You wreak of self-importance. Stop being so fucking pompous. It's unattractive and you can't carry it off.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

An Open Letter

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls”.

-Kahlil Gibran

(©2009 Lotus B.)

In The News...

Not only is Alexis Hutchinson from my home town of Oakland, California; but her story about refusing deployment is part of a very long list of reasons I never will and never have believed in war. The 21 year old single mother of an infant son refused to show up for her flight to Afghanistan because she had no one to take care of her child. She was told at first by her superior that she would have to place him into foster care.

What else could she do?

Before we're anything in this world we're human, and after that, if applicable, we're parents. I don't know how married parents are able to leave their children behind to go over seas, let alone a single mother.

I just thought it was an interesting display of how the military can work sometimes.

Click here to read

*Photo: Associated Press
(©2009 Lotus B.)

So Long, Farewell

It was a nice (and kind of adorable) little run we had.

But now it's over.

I've calculated in my mind that I've broken up with 27 men in the last 13 years of my dating life. Sometimes they're the ones who pull the plug, sometimes I am. I think either way it's usually me doing it somehow.

Most recently, it was someone I actually had a lot of fun with. Someone I thought I had enough in common with to actually be intrigued on a pretty constant basis. He made the break up with D seem less like a terrorist attack on my heart and more like life just slowly changing. He wasn't a rebound, just a good guy.

But that's all behind us now, and we decided to end it last night. Which is fine. It was going to end anyway come January. I already started to get used to that one. In a way it was silly of us to indulge in the whole thing as long as we did. But this sort of thing has a way of just making sense until it doesn't anymore.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

Friday...

It honestly feels like yesterday was Monday. Here I am with my feet teetering at the edge of another weekend.

My stomach is tied in knots. Because once again, in life, I have chosen to take a chance on someone. I feel like I'm sitting through a shaky plane ride or clinging to the corner of a stalled elevator. I am helplessly dependant on the other shoe, which is sure to drop at any moment.

Speak of the devil.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

And I Quote...

If you've been paddling your little kayak along behind my ship's flowing rhymes through the waters of my travels so far, you might want to turn back here before you lose sight of the shore. Beware the deep. It may be that if you lost me now, you might lose yourself.

-Dante's Paradiso

4 Gentlemen & A Lady

It's quite possible, that I am more single now than I have ever been. It feels like there is no one, not even anyone who is just genuinely my friend within a 2,000 mile radius. Ironically...my ex-boyfriend is moving to Houston next week. Oz and I have grown a bit distant but are still friends, D and I have settled into ex-friendship (a hybrid of rebounding with your ex on a platonic level), and someone I've known nearly a decade (which feels like my entire life), whom I never really dated but have always thought the world of is coming to town next week as well. In a sense...I will be a totally single woman surrounded by 4 ex's starting next week. FOUR.

Does that seem fair?

I relayed this fact to my sister over the phone the other day and for a second she wreaked of jealousy. She, who is happily married to my brother (in-law) whom everyone adores, and who adores her to no end. The two of them are in the "process" of attempting procreation and embarking on the next glorious phase of life where you start to truly become an adult for the sake of a new little life. As she envied me, I was envying her in return.

Of course, I'm more than aware that I'm in no position to have what she has. For the most obvious reason, which is that I have absolutely no permanent prospects. Not that I want any, but I can allow my mind to wander on the subject a bit....at least for the purpose of this blog post.

It's not a secret that I'm in the very least NEARING that part of my life. After all I was perfectly prepared to marry D, have his children and start a real life with him. If it weren't for the un-ignorable components of our relationship that were tragically missing, we would probably be planning a wedding right now. I was ready... just not ready to settle and make someone else settle for something that wasn't right. I refuse to commit to someone that I have to squint at in order to see them as perfect and who does the same of me. Smearing all the jagged lines, and pretending a blurry version of each other is good enough. No thank you. I'm not looking for perfection, but I would like perfection's half brother. Distant cousin, perhaps.

So from time to time, and as the "Engaged" announcements continue to fill up my Facebook page, I do feel that pang in the depths of my stomach. It reminds me that I'm at a very exciting place in my life. I'm single. Single in that REALLY single way. Where I am not obligated to anyone or anything but myself. On the other hand, I know I CAN be in a relationship. I'm capable of being with one person, if he's the right one, and making something work and possibly building up to what me and D almost had and beyond what it should have been.

In the mean time, I kind of get to just be me again. Sure, these last few months in Houston will be kind of a bore. But once I get back to New York, I'll have school to look forward to. Setting up the new website with Tia, partying and meeting new people, writing, kissing the air in Brooklyn and whatever else might come my way. I'm looking forward to FINALLY, after a long time of holding my feet in the air...planting some roots that I might want to share with someone one day.

(©2009 Lotus B.)

This Is It

Last night after coming home from work, I changed quickly into my favorite jeans, patchwork faux python sandals and my favorite purple sweater and waited for D to pick me up. We were on our way to go see This Is It , the proclaimed last performance of Michael Jackson. I had my doubts, assuming it would be nothing more than cheaply done, rushed footage of things Michael probably didn't even want anyone to see. But our mood was pretty light as we caught up with each other's lives in the car on the way over, found a parking spot and headed into the theater.

I'll admit that I wasn't overly surprised that the theater was only two-thirds full, and that some woman with a bad weave job fell asleep half way through the movie, making me feel really bad for her poor date who brought the most boring woman in the world to dinner theater. I have been to maybe 10 or so clubs in Houston, 5 or 6 lounges and countless movies....there never really is a crowed in very many places from what I've seen.

The beginning of the movie was Micheal's dancers talking into the camera about how grateful they were to have the opportunity to work with Jackson. I could tell it was filmed after he died, because most of them couldn't hold it together enough to finish their sentences and it was also very delicately scripted. My expectations for the movie suddenly fell towards the floor.

But then Micheal got on stage. I never realized how extensive rehearsal was for live concerts. Micheal was singing in his flawlessly vibrato voice, and dancing across the stage as if his shoes were dipped in oil. 50 years old, months away from his final breath and he was just a kid again putting on a show.

Going to see this movie, you have to take it for what it is; a marketing scheme. Jackson left a large amount of debt, and in that way I wonder if he'd even be upset about the footage being put in theaters. After all, I'm sure he didn't want to leave his family with that much debt. But aside from all that, the movie is also a tribute to his fans. Its proof that Micheal lit up when he was on stage, that he was a big kid at heart, that he loved nature and the world and that music meant everything to him. He knew every beat of every song, every chord, every rip, every note. He seemed to be taken back to his childhood when he performed a few Jackson 5 numbers, loosing his voice suddenly and looking as if he could barely make it through the song. But he knew every step of the dances and performed them as if his legs were on strings and his body was transported to the hay-day of his childhood career.

Bottom line, don't see this movie if you don't want to support the exploitation of Micheal's fame in order to pay off his enormous debt. But...see this movie if you just want to walk away from Micheal Jackson's legacy knowing that he was in fact an entertainer and, still could wipe the floor with any of the so-called "pop stars" of today.

Good for him.




(©2009 Lotus B.)

Right Now Sucks Ass

Today and the days sandwiching it, suck ass.

There's nothing to say.

I have two deadlines and nothing to write.

I have a person coming to visit me in about 2 weeks who literally scares the shit out of me.

I am bored out of my mind.

I can't spend money like a lush anymore because I'm saving to move.

I was going to make a haiku, but I can't contain my malignant thoughts into the 5,7,5 rhythm...

(©2009 Lotus B.)