I watched a film today called Pull Out, a doc film about a woman's journey into her past. In it she interviewed the objects of her most important 5 relationships over the past 15 years. She spoke with 4 of them, one refused to be interviewed, the other who was so obviously David Eigenberg of Sex and the City (Steve, Miranda's husband) chose to remain anonymous and another who asked for the crew to stop filming as soon as she asked the most important questions. I couldn't help but feel a of little of two things. Sorry. For her, this 35 year old woman who couldn't see that she was far too needy to hold onto any man. And familiarity. I've been guilty of the same crime. Going back, that is. There isn't a single ex in my entire life that I haven't gone back and talked to later.
The thing about going back is that after a break up, almost immediately there is a staleness that takes over. Suddenly such a familiar person is a stranger. I've had ex's tell me I was and still am the most amazing woman they ever dated (blush), and I've had an ex tell me I should kill myself. That is the range of emotions I evoke in the men I've given my love to. Leaving the past in the past has never been my strong suit, and now I wonder if that will hinder me down the line.
Rarely single, always available, never quite comfortable enough to strike out completely unshielded. These are things I feel describe me. And yet, I'm unmistakably aware of the truest fact in Relationship 101. That is that relationships are like french fries. Quite addictive, but never re-heatable.
The image is clear in my head. I am standing before a dirt pile, a shovel firmly in my grip. I stand over a 6 foot deep hole, housing the live bodies of all of them. There at the top is D, smothered in confusion and unanswered questions. I scoop up a mound of moist earth and toss it in. I am in a killer black dress and heels. I have not brought a date to this funeral. I bury them all alive and call a cab. I am now free to find the next man. Or to not find him. (But probably to find him).
To watch Pull Out click here
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4 comments:
So yeah are you like reading my mind over here. My ex's range the emotional gambit from still in love/lust (whatever) to damn I hate this itch. I too agree with the staleness. The staleness is horrible but then you meet someone new and the cycle begins again.
Ahhh, yes "someone new"...the promise of, the finding and the keeping of...and the ever delicious newness of "someone new".
Interesting concept for a doc. I want to check it out. And I have to co-sign with the homie Chaotically Calm that it seems like you've been reading my mind as well. But from a different perspective, I've been thinking about the same thing because being married, I know the "newness" will wear off, so I have to find ways to keep it fresh. It's an interesting challenge, but I'm up for it.
I often wonder if it's the newness addiction that acts as a timer, for knowing when your ready to settle down. In the sense that...you for example are willing to do what it takes and to accept the calm that will surely come with marriage eventually. While I still get restless as soon as that calm settles in. I know, for this reason, I'm not ready for marriage. When I'm ready, although I'll probably feel much like you and want to keep the fire alive as much as possible, I'll be ready for the stillness as well...wanting it even.
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