Saturday, October 10, 2009

Giant Cockroach Resurrected

A peace had finally fallen upon my apartment here in Houston.  I was no longer tearing apart my entire bathroom before taking a shower every morning.  The giant can of RAID was placed back under my kitchen sink and I was starting to feel like me again.  After the last cockroach episode, it was nice to finally stop living in fear. 




The other night I came home and decided to tidy up a bit before company came by. I vacuumed, dusted, washed some clothes and did the little things I'd been eying all week but couldn't stop to do.  When I was finally finished I was ready for a long hot shower to wash away the day and the smell of Lysol on my skin.  




You see where this is going....




No sooner had I pushed back my lavender shower curtain did I see it hovering above me like Satan's own diabolical pet.  This one was ENORMOUS.  At least 3 inches long with a scowl I swear I could see with my own little eyes.  I looked at him, he looked at me.  There I was once again, terrified in my own bathroom wearing my birthday suit frozen from the sheer idea of having another cockroach invasion.  




I bolted out of the bathroom.  Again I was screaming bloody murder as I ran through my entire apartment.  Again I grabbed my boobs as the deathly sounds of terror came spilling out like a war horn.




I ran back to the bathroom and stood just outside the door, peering in while whimpering, tears now streaming down my cheeks.  "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh" was all I could manage to say in a desperate whisper.



There it was above my shower, not caring about the state of panic he had thrown me into. Then I realized, I was actually panicking.  This was no normal reaction.  I was shaking uncontrollably, my head was getting light, my limbs were cold and numb and suddenly my heart felt like it was going to explode.  DAMN IT, I thought to myself....I'm having a fucking panic attack!!  I tried to breathe calmly, empty my mind and think of a safe place. There I was, with my hands in the air (a trick I use to keep them from going numb) telling myself that I was in the shoe department of Barney's New York (one of my safe places).  




After catching my breath and still not taking my eyes off the disgusting creature in my bathroom, I ran to the kitchen and got my handy-dandy bottle of bug spray.  I let loose on that thing with the vengeance of a disgruntled housewife.  I screamed, "Die! Die! Die!" as it flew from the wall to my shower curtain and somehow managed to retract inside itself, shrinking it's body in half and becoming a fat bug ball glistening in the rain of my constant spray of poison.  It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen before my eyes.  It was clinging from my shower curtain.  No signs of life, no signs of death....just this ambiguous presence.  My gaze still firmly on the roach I felt around the carpet for my pants, then my tank top...then my cell phone.




I called my friend who was on his way to my house.  "Ho...how close are you to my house?"




"Like 30 or 45 minutes...why?"




"Remember when that roach ....there's a roach...I have a...a...a...there's a thing in my bathroom."  




He laughed.




"Well kill it..."  I love it how people who don't have these fears of insects or spiders make little helpful suggestions like that.  How easy it must be to live in their world without fear of giant cockroaches that might possibly crawl into your bed at night and lay eggs in your hair.




"I sprayed it...but I don't know if it's dead."




"Well spray it some more then."




"I ran out."




After hanging up with Mr. Helpful, I called my other friend...who could help me even less being that he lives in California.  At least he shared in my disgust.




"Eeeeeeeew," he said coughing back the image I'd placed in his head. "That’s nasty, man....kill that mufucka!!"




"It's LOOKING AT ME!!"  I shouted falling back into panic.  




A half hour later, I'd become a ball of submission on the floor outside my bathroom, still staring at the roach who I'd now named Ernie, when my friend finally knocked on my door.  He stepped inside, put his Jack in the Box bag down on the kitchen counter, drew two sheets of paper towel and stepped into the bathroom.  He admittedly agreed the sucker was pretty huge, then calmly grabbed it in the paper towel (a crunching sound was heard) and flushed it down the toilet.  He washed his hands, and then looked at me as if I were some kind of insane person.  




Still, days later as I sit relaying this horrific story to you all, a part of me can’t help but feel a little sad for Ernie...having to die like that while being screamed at by a naked black girl grabbing her boobs in terror. May he rest in peace.






(©2009 Lotus B.)

8 comments:

Tough Cookie Mommy said...

I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, I have had a phobia of waterbugs for years. From your description, this was no ordinary roach but a large waterbug. Plus, I know for a fact that those suckers fly because I have seen them with my own eyes. People have always thought that it was funny that I get hysterical anytime I see one. It's not funny to me because I am so afraid of them. I have been known to run out of rooms screaming at the sight of one. Luckily, I haven't encountered one in years. Hopefully, I haven't just jinxed myself. These things usually like to crawl in through open spaces so check to see if you have cracked window open or some other kind of crevice in your bathroom. I definitely feel your pain.

timethief said...

Bugs don't usually make me feel squeamish I just pick them up and take them outside but roaches are different. I've never actually seen one and hope that I never do. OMG! Just the descriptions and photos make me feel like screaming.

Ms Taurus said...

I feel your pain. I used to run out the house when i'd see one until my son killed it and showed me proof it was dead. Lord i'm living alone now and i can't say what i'd do if i was to see one in here. I would pet a snake but I cannot deal with cockroaches. I think its because they fly.

Ms Taurus said...

I hope you never see one also. Imagine being 11 yrs old lying in bed and hearing this weird noise, you are looking around trying to figure out whats making that damn noise and then you lye back down and all of a sudden this huge thing flys at you and lands on your pillow. That was my first experience with a cockroach and ever since i'm been a phobic. I hate them!!

Lotus B. said...

OMG...thank you. I will now have nightmares forever!

Or be forced to whore out my body in order to take refuge in the beds of all my male friends.

:(

Ms Taurus said...

OMG you made me laugh! I will give you a lil home remedy tip. I'm a country girl so please forgive this if it sounds crazy. Go out and get you a box of "20 Mule Team Borax", its a cleaning powder. It should be near the washing powder/detergent in the store.
Google it so you can see what the box looks like. Sprinkle that shit all around your house, best outside. I did that a few years ago and I swear to you I haven't seen a cockroach in years.
I would love for you to try it and see if it works for you.
As frankie would say, MAN DOWN!! or should I say "roach down" LOL

Lotus B. said...

Borax...someone told me to do that when I was in New York to keep the mice away. After seeing one run across the floor of my living room I became convinced it would crawl into my mouth while I slept and eat my insides.

:( I'll try it!

Anonymous said...

Okay people. I live in San Antonio, TX and the farther south you travel, (I believe) the larger, uglier and more aggressive the buggers become. I have been keeping my drain plugs pulled to and until tonight that has seemed a successful method of keeping them at bay. HOWEVER, around three this morning (in the dead of night as it were) I walked into my bath and there IT was on the wall, near the ceiling. Oh, why is it that they are always somewhere that they can fall from, freak out and get crazy?! When this leviathan hit the floor, it lowered its head and actually CHARGED me. That was a first in my book. So here I am wishing I had a Valium or something similar because I cannot stop trembling. And for those of you who do not have RAID on hand; I have used hair spray. I did not have hair spray tonight so I used a spray bottle of Resolve carpet cleaning spotter, disabled the filthy thing and quickly set an inverted jar over it. I will gladly trade cleaning kitty litter boxes for my husband removing the roach. No, I won't be sleeping tonight...